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Thread: 'Board of the Rings'

  1. #1
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    'Board of the Rings'

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    Well, I am tired so I won't be going out dancing tonight.

    But on the upside of that I did have some time to think about some favorite old mock books that I used to read when I needed to destress from all the RPG books I was reading at the time.

    So anybody ever read this book?


    Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J. R. R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings
    Harvard Lampoon, Henry Beard, Douglas C. Kenney


    I never did. I wish I had. I have read others such as "Expecting Someone Taller" which is hysterical but that one, well...

    at the time it was Sacred Ground. I had read the trilogy when I was 10 and I had cried at the end when all the Elves and everybody left.

    Now....hmmm.... now I am bored of the rings.

    I mean learning Tolkien Elven, that would be just cool, I'd put that in my dating resume depending on the circumstance, cross my arms, and call it the end of the date.

    "I speak Elf." (wait for reaction)

    Definitely a loaded statement.

    BUT... the movies, the life, the books, the Craziness of it...

    I think my old ex-Hippie Teacher put it best, about 15 years ago he, Bob, put it best...

    Jonathan, yeah I did civil rights volunteer work in the south and all that but... truth be told I never read "J.R.R. Tolkein's" work. I mean only the WIERD people did that and even then most of them only read the "Hobbit."

    That's because the Hobbit could be taken out of the Campus Library and was a nice big fat book with large FONTS. I mean they were telling people that they were doing stuff that would make there eyes blurry on a constant basis but they were still strong engough to carry that book all around the campus I went to in Michigan. Even on a cold day.

    As a plus they could smack people upside the head with that Hobbit book if they got hassled because of their Long Hair.

    I tried reading the actual triology cause those books were in small paper backs but truth be told I fond it BORING...."


    I gotta laugh thinking about how he unrolled that story. I mean he never was a drug head hippie of the 60's but he participated and the way he gave me a picture in my head of these big burly people running around campus with ONLY the Hobbit in their hands, they refused to carry textbooks, well I had to laugh.

    And finally, I swear I could remember, him saying,

    Eventually I met some people on campus that actually read ALL the "Lord of the Rings" books but I never became friends with them because they scared me.
    Man, that actually made me hitch my stride in our long walk through Carol Gardens in Brooklyn. I mean this semi-mentor of mine had done some pretty scary things in his day but he thought the guys and girls that had retained significant fractions of J.R.R. Tolkeins work in their head as Dangerous.

    Eventuallywhen I found out through some RPG friends of mine how the Tolkein foundation had sued the D&D people because the D&D furry footed fellow where too much like the Bobbits in Lord of the Rings I just got anti-lord of the rings.

    I guess it was 2002 and a girl that was TOTALLY into it that got me to reread all that Jazz again. Ah well, it was fun holding her hand as we watched that Jazz up on the big screen but all in all....

    I am just Board of the Rings, even those web rings for the Lord of the Rings. I am bored of those Boards.

    So, is "Bored of the Rings" any good for those of you that have read it?


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    *Disclaimer*: Let me start this post off by saying that I like Tolkien's works. I am not the super-mega-uber fan who can recite Lord of the Rings verbatim, but I have a definate and long-standing appreciation for his books. The Hobbit has been and always will be my favorite, but Lord of the Rings by no means struck me as a disappointment. I even liked the films. Sure, they were not 100% accurate, but I didn't expect them to be, so I was not offended.

    That said, I think being a fan of something makes satire/parody all the more enjoyable.

    Yes, I own Bored of the Rings and found it hilarious. It has been many years past since I read it, but I remember thinking it was non-stop laughs from beginning to end. Maybe not "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" funny, but definately a hoot. I would quote the back cover blurb here, but I can't seem to find my copy at the moment. It mentions something about Smaug with roller skates. For anyone who likes to read goof-ball, parody fiction, I recommend it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathan Kwiat View Post
    I mean this semi-mentor of mine had done some pretty scary things in his day but he thought the guys and girls that had retained significant fractions of J.R.R. Tolkeins work in their head as Dangerous.

    Oooo, I'm ... Dangerous.

    It's a book, I read like other people breathe. Finished it in high school between periods.

    I've seen Bored of the Rings, never read it.

    Garry AKA --Phoenix-- Rising above the Flames.
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    Quote Originally Posted by tesral View Post
    It's a book, I read like other people breathe. Finished it in high school between periods.
    So all this grumpiness is just menopause !
    Au gibet noir, manchot aimable, dansent, dansent les paladins
    Les maigres paladins du diable les squelettes de Saladins.

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    I found my copy and decided to post a snippet of the first few paragraphs of the Prologue. The posting of this material is solely for the purpose of appreciation for the work and in no way intends to infringe upon any copyrights of the author or publisher.

    Warning: Please note that the following text contains a few words which may be offensive to some. We are all (or should be) adults and I trust folks to be mature enough to handle this language, but I want to make it clear that such language is present for those who do not wish to expose themselves to it.

    PROLOGUE--
    CONCERNING BOGGIES

    This book is predominantly concerned with making money, and from its pages a reader may learn much about the character and the literary integrity of the authors. Of boggies, however, he will discover next to nothing, since anyone in the possession of a mere moiety of his marbles will readily concede that such creatures could exist only in the minds of children of the sort whose childhoods are spent in wicker baskets, and who grow up to be muggers, dog thieves and insurance salesmen. Nonetheless, judging from the sales of Prof. Tolkien's interesting books, this is a rather sizable group, sporting the kind of scorchmarks on their pockets that only the spontaneous combustion of heavy wads of crumpled money can produce. For such readers, we have collected here a few bits of racial slander concerning boggies, culled by placing Prof. Tolkien's books on the floor in a neat pile and going over them countless times in a series of skips and short hops. For them we also include a brief description of the soon-to-be-published-if-this-incredible-dog-sells account of Dildo Bugger's earlier adventures, called by him Travels with Gollum in Search of Lower Middle Earth, but wisely renamed by the publisher Valley of the Trolls.

    Boggies are an unattractive but annoying people whose numbers have decreased rather precipitously since the bottom fell out of the fairy-tale market. Slow and sullen, and yet dull, they prefer to lead simple lives of pastoral squalor. They don't like machines more complicated than a garrote, a blackjack, or a luger, and they have always been shy of the "Big Folk" or "Biggers", as they call us. As a rule they now avoid us, except on rare occasions when a hundred or so will get together to dry-gulch a lone farmer or hunter. They are a little people, smaller than dwarves, who consider them puny, sly, and inscrutable and often refer to them as the "boggie peril". They seldom exceed three feet in height, but are fully capable of overpowering creatures half their size when they get the drop on them. As for the boggies of the Sty, with whom we are chiefly concerned, they are unusually drab, dressing in shiny gray suits with narrow lapels, alpine hats, and string ties. They wear no shoes, and they walk on a pair of hairy blunt instruments which can only be called feet because of the position they occupy at the end of their legs. Their faces have a pimply malevolence that suggests a deep-seated fondness for making obscene telephone calls, and when they smile there is something in the way they wag their foot-long tongues that makes Komodo dragons gulp with disbelief.
    Last edited by Webhead; 03-21-2008 at 01:10 PM.

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    *Disclaimer*: I was first introduced to the The Silmarillion, and thought that everyone was crazy! I eventually read the LoTR rings trilogy and the Hobit with joy, but did not go all weird and fanatic. Most people think I am an old hippie with long hair. I think I wasn't quite old enough to be a good hippie at the time. I was raised by an odd couple named Sonny and Cher, no really! My father was a very principled conservative while my mother was a hippie who was 16 years younger than him. I like the whole free love thing, but drugs are bad. Mmkay?

    Umm... where was I?

    No. I haven't read it. I thought it was aimed at the complete fanatics.
    Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.


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    Quote Originally Posted by tesral View Post
    It's a book, I read like other people breathe. Finished it in high school between periods.
    you mean you waited till high-school?

    i had read the hobbit about 4 times all the way through, and another 30 times reading chapter one and then skipping ahead to chapter 4 and on through the end of the book. oh, and the pit stop to read about the mountain trolls, of course.

    and that was by the time it was assigned to us in 6th grade english class. you should have heard the groans and moans about having to read such a huge book. i laughed my way through all 10 tests. i didn't even read it over again and took the tests from memory. only missed one question out of all of them. =D



    ... i guess i shouldn't mention the actual trilogy then!



    i guess that makes me seriously dangerous. ^^





    i was wondering if anyone was going to clip the preview page... guess not. ^^ furry instep, indeed. i found it humorous, but not something i'd buy. i borrowed it from the library to read it.
    Last edited by nijineko; 03-23-2008 at 03:50 AM.
    nijineko the gm: AG16, CoS. nijineko the player: AtG, RttToH; . The Journal of Tala'elowar Kiyiik! .
    CrystalBallLite: the best dice roller on the planet! . nijineko the archivist: the 3.x archive

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    Quote Originally Posted by nijineko View Post
    you mean you waited till high-school?

    Dude, I'm OLD. Tolkien had to write it first. True, he didn't sit two down from me in English class chipping out on a stone slab, but The book had been around the US in paperback about a decade when I first encountered it. It was just starting to make a cultural impression. Up in the old hope chest I have the Hildabrant calanders from the early 70s.

    Garry AKA --Phoenix-- Rising above the Flames.
    The Dean of Old School
    The Olde Phoenix Inn
    Metro Detroit Linux Users Group

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    Quote Originally Posted by tesral View Post
    Tolkien had to write it first.
    ah. yes. well, there is that. *^^*

    in that case... (scrawls *frodo lives!* on a subway wall somewhere.)
    nijineko the gm: AG16, CoS. nijineko the player: AtG, RttToH; . The Journal of Tala'elowar Kiyiik! .
    CrystalBallLite: the best dice roller on the planet! . nijineko the archivist: the 3.x archive

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    Yeah you are...according to my teacher that passed away....

    Quote Originally Posted by tesral View Post
    Oooo, I'm ... Dangerous.

    It's a book, I read like other people breathe. Finished it in high school between periods.

    I've seen Bored of the Rings, never read it.
    Listen Bob is no longer alive so let me reply because I have found all the posts to this thread delightful.

    1) Bob...grows up in the Bronx, and Manhattan goes to Michigan State

    2) English Major

    3) Never been so cold in his life he told me your eyes could freeze over if you didn't blink fast engough

    4) Gets involved with 'radicals' that do not like the Vietnam war

    5) Meets 'radicals' at protest rallies with Big Fat Hobbit books

    6) Checks out campus library
    Only Tolkien books not checked out for months "Lord of the Rings"; which are in very small paperback editions copyright 1940's. Trys to read it... weirded out

    7) Meets men that can talk as if they are drunk in their dorms yet nonethless recite it verbatim...



    OKay...

    yeah Tesral Bob would have seen you has dangerous in his 20's and in his teacher retirement age he probably would have pegged you as an ex-geek.

    Me, I read the Hobbit first when I was nine and soon thereafter some librarian got me the trilogy out of the shelved books in the special section of my local library it was...

    Three Paperbacks with apendices, all of them yellow with old age (paper with acid in it goes bad in under twenty years) and must have size 10 fonts. I was have become near sighted reading those books.

    And I read them... it was HARD. and when I got to the last one and CRIED as if I had just been mugged by Steven Spielberg at one of his movies with my friends looking on an laughing well...

    I CRIED worse then that because nobody was watching when I finished that book so...

    my personal take on the Bobbits, and the Ring Master is that I love jokes about it but I ain't reading the Simillarion more then twice and I will not learn genuine elf unless the woman also works seriously for a living at something completely unconnected to publishing or being an English major.

    LOL

    Well... yeah Tesral you are a dangerous guy, didn't you know that?


    Be Well all of you,

    Jonathan S. Kwiat


    I'd multi-quote the rest of your posts that I have read through daily in my email box but... I am not sure how to just yet.

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    Beautiful. I dfid it backwards, read the Hobbit after LotR.

    When I was in high School I would hang out with friends I met at a Trek con (ex-geek? I was barely started) One lent me books from her vast collection. LotR was one, the complete Lensman series, Time Enough for Love. I did and still do read like other people breathe. Fast, very fast, I can consume several typical novels a day. So many of these books got read in the dead spaces in school. I had a really cool teacher for American History 2. I read unrelated things in his class, in the front row. But when discussion started I put down the book and was engaged. He was cool with it and I aced his course.

    Anyway. Yea I read a lot of books through school. Summer I would bus my way to the Detroit Main every week and come home with everything they would let me carry. Spent long hours flipping through the card catalogs, or across the street at the DIA (The museums were free back then.) browsing the Old Masters and enjoying the cool inside the museum.

    Oh, and Lansing isn't THAT cold, and least normally. We don't see that many days below zero.

    Garry AKA --Phoenix-- Rising above the Flames.
    The Dean of Old School
    The Olde Phoenix Inn
    Metro Detroit Linux Users Group

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    Yeah. The book stuffers at the end because the authors can't decide whether to continue being a parody or to be true to the story they're telling.

    I lost a copy, bought a new one, and don't lend it out now.
    GM of a Gaslight JL Mutants & Masterminds game, by PbP.

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    I was exposed to The Hobbit when I was 13 or so by a neighbor. I actually started reading it right at the riddles with Bilbo and Gollum. Since then I've read it and the series many many times. When I spotted Bored of the Rings, I read the first few pages and laughed my ass off then bought the book. I still have it

    I even bought Doon but didn't like it as much.

    Carl
    GMing: Shadowrun 4th
    The Denver RPG Group - My Shadowrun Site - My Shadowrun Blog - Shadowrun Mooks
    I also administer the Mosaic and Stained Glass forums if you happen to be artistic


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    Somedays I miss being myself but then I remember, I have a true name now and Jonathan isn't it so why should I care that somebody stole my library card and I can no longer answer the security question to my email account?

    At least I can sing these days but I must admit I miss thinking the this was my name.
    Peace "We are that which we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act but a habit. Our intents are manifest in our words, our actions, our songs, and our play. May we all know peace."


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    yeah, i read it. i was also upset the prologue (frito being seduced by a sexy elf maiden for the ring) was just a teaser, and wasnt in the book, and tim benzedrine was pretty cool, oh, and nazgul in drag posing as diner waitresses was funny as well, so i'd say its worth a read if you find a copy. its thin, and not too involved, so a good afternoon should be enough to knock it out.
    "well, g'night! dont let the flesh eating demon bed babies bite!!"
    facebook.com/houstonderek

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