Originally posted on Friday 04-13-2012 12:00 PM at koboldquarterly.com

(Also Titled: The Ongoing Diary of Thppgrg, Goblin Minion)

As ever, readers who are new to the diary, please scroll down a bit to where you see the Thppgrg tag. Click on it. Yeah, that’s right. Otherwise, if you missed part eleven, you can just*click here. (Art by Chris McFann.)

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

Guh.

More toilet paper strung up in the haunted forest; additionally, significantly more flaming poo bags on the front steps of the dungeon today. These newest bags were “cleverly” arranged in the shape of a particularly stubby hand making a very impolite gesture.

Also, there is a QUITE unflattering drawing of me with Xs through my eyes and an axe buried in my skull drawn on the front door. At first I took this to be a pretty darn good caricature of Steve Buschemi with sexier, pointier ears, but a helpful note next to it, with an arrow, informed me that no, this was—technically—a picture of, quote, “You, ya gobo bugger! Imma git ye!”

I am unamused.

Some day, there will be an ancient dwarven (or possibly pirate) proverb about never getting into an extended, ever-escalating prank war with a goblin who is having a tough time at work and severe relationship difficulties, and who is also currently raising a baby who apparently needs only two hours of sleep a night and has several decades of screaming practice already under her dainty belt.

Have come up with many elaborate forms of violent revenge for this stupid dwarf (or, again, possibly pirate); these plans have been re-worked in my head several times today while I pretended that I was working. Unfortunately, none of these plans are in any way currently feasible; access to boiling acid and rabid dire weasels heavily restricted by red tape in this stupid dungeon.

Also wondering if there’s some way I can trick my antagonist into “pranking” me by giving me a free tie. The one that I found in Sigvald’s room is WAY too big—although it does make an excellent poncho—and the one I made out of rat-carcasses this morning apparently violates a rule about “too much flair.”

Currently at 8 demerits. Probably going to be killed by my boss tomorrow.

Also, there is a new note from Shaendralya today, pinned to Sigvald’s heavily stabbed bedspread, saying only:

“U hvn’t tlkd 2 mee n lik a WEK u jrk were THRU!

“I totes h8 ur FACE! 4-reeel!

“:,,-((( txt mee