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Thread: Wherein We Tell Jokes

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    Wherein We Tell Jokes

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    A cannibal attends a wedding and toasts the bride and groom.


    A man walks into a bar in Kilkenny, Ireland, and asks the bartender, "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?"
    "Are ye walkin' or drivin'?" says the bartender.
    "I'm drivin'," answers the man.
    "Well, that's the quickest way."


    How does the blind parachutist know he's getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.


    There's a new diet for guitar players, the Chet Atkins diet. You just pick at your food.

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    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

    After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

    Their life together was, of course, perfect.

    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

    Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

    There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

    Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

    Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

    Only one of them survived the accident.

    Question: Who was the survivor?
    Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

    * Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.*


    * Men keep reading *

    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

    By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!
    Fighter: "I can kill a guy in one turn."
    Cleric: "I can kill a guy in half a turn."
    Wizard: "I can kill a guy before my turn."
    Bard: "I can get three idiots to kill guys for me."

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    A man walks up to a cowboy in a bar. "Are you a real cowboy," the man asks, looking at the cowboy hat.
    "I sure am," replies the cowboy. "I ride around on a horse all day, herd cattle, sleep under the starts. I suppose I am a real cowboy."
    The man leaves, impressed.

    A few minutes later, a woman comes up to the cowboy. "Are you a real cowboy?" she asks.
    "Yes'm," replies the cowboy. "All day I ride the range, tend the cattle, and sleep under the stars. I am a real cowboy. What about you?"
    "I'm a lesbian," the woman answers. "I spend all day thinking about women. In the shower, I think about women. At breakfast, I think about women. I go to work, thinking about women."

    Ten minutes later, another man walks up to the cowboy.
    "Are you a real cowboy?"
    "Ten minutes ago, I thought I was."

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    Once there was a little mountain man who moved onto a mountaintop plumb out in the middle of nowhere, just the way mountain men like it.

    Not long after setting up camp, he espied another feller a comin' up the way and wavin' his arms. It was another little mountain man!

    "Howdy there!" said the second mountain man to the first. "Nice mountain you gotcherself here. I seen you movin' in, and I came to welcome you proper to the neighborhood."

    "Mighty kind of you," said the first mountain man, “Mighty kind.”

    They shook hands, and the second little mountain man got a gleam in his eye. "Say," he said, "I'm havin' a little hoedown over at my own mountaintop tomorrow night. Why not stop by fer a spell?"

    The first little mountain man scratched his chin. "I don't rightly know about parties. What'll it be like?"

    "Lessee… there'll be a big ol' fire. Lots of vittles, and some banjo-playin'... You like to sing, doncha'?" But before the first little mountain man could answer, the second went on, "There'll be some drinking... and some dancing... lots a’ cussing… maybe some fist-fighting, yessir... I reckon even a little love-making.”

    Hearing this last part, the first little mountain man's face lit up. “Well, pick my peas! Mister, I’d sure like to visit, but—“ here he stopped and looked down at his bare little mountain man feet. “Gosh damn, I don’t think I’ve got a proper stitch to wear, what with the courtin’ and all.”

    The second mountain man spat and gave a reassuring smile. “There’s no call to get gussied up.”

    “Really?! Well that sounds fine then, Mister,” the first little mountain man exclaimed with relief.

    “Don't think on it one bit!” And with that the second little mountain man turned to tramp back home across the way. “After all, it’s just going t’be you and me.”
    Last edited by Tamburlain; 08-02-2009 at 01:23 AM. Reason: missing word typo
    There is no path, traveler; the path is made by walking.
    -Antonio Machado

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tamburlain View Post
    <snip mountain man joke>
    Hehehe, version I heard was an American who moved to the Shetland Islands; funny joke, though ^_^

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sascha View Post
    Hehehe, version I heard was an American who moved to the Shetland Islands; funny joke, though ^_^
    Haha! That's perfect. Hillbillies are hillbillies, anywhere you go. I easily can imagine the sound of a thick rural Scottish brogue delivering the punch.

    I wonder if there is a deserted Greek island version...

    "Hello! I am Kalibanos! I bring for you a goat, my friend!"

    Aha, I just reminded myself of Raul Julia's over-sexed character in The Tempest. Funny movie.
    There is no path, traveler; the path is made by walking.
    -Antonio Machado

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tamburlain View Post
    Haha! That's perfect. Hillbillies are hillbillies, anywhere you go. I easily can imagine the sound of a thick rural Scottish brogue delivering the punch.
    What made it funnier was the American accent of the Scot telling it. Hai-larious~

    (Speaking of Scottish jokes ... )

    An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:


    Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
    Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
    Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
    painch tripe or thairm:
    Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
    as lang's my arm.


    The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:


    Some hae meat, and canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat and we can eat,
    And sae the Lord be thankit.


    This continues with the next patient:


    Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
    O what a panic's in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
    wi' bickering brattle.
    I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
    wi' murdering prattle!"


    "Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
    "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Burns unit."

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    "Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
    "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Burns unit."
    AH HAAA!!! Nice!
    There is no path, traveler; the path is made by walking.
    -Antonio Machado

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    Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires.

    Why do elephants have big, flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

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    Oh, so we're getting back into the elephant jokes now, huh? Okay.

    (btw I posted that one about a month back in the level up thread ~ sept it was told better.)

    So as not to repeat the ones I told back then, which were really the best ones:

    Q: How do you catch an elephant?
    A: Lie in the grass and make the sound of a peanut, then when an elephant comes along grab him.

    Q: What's gray on the inside and red and white on the outside?
    A: An elephant turned inside out.

    Q: Why don't elephants lie on their backs in the water?
    A: So they don't get mistaken for a bar of soap.

    Q: What do you find between the toes of an elephant?
    A: Slow running natives.

    Okay, yeah, these suck. I'm tempted to repeat the really good ones.
    "Plan?...There ain't no plan!" - Pigkiller

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    The most awful joke ever told:

    A frog walks into a bank, and goes up to a young lady teller and introduces himself as David Jagger, and asks the young lady's name. The woman is a little taken aback by this, but she tells him her name is Patricia Whack. The frog is very friendly and congenial, and he shares a joke with her before he gets down to business.

    "Well, Miss Whack, the reason I have come here today is that I wish to take out a $50,000 loan, in order to purchase a fishing boat."

    "Well, Mister Jagger, that is a rather large sum of money. Do you happen to have any collateral?"

    "As a matter of fact I do."

    The frog then places a tiny pink elephant figurine on the counter in front of the teller. She looks oddly at the frog, but he has been a pleasant and decent sort so far, so she tells him that she will show his collateral to the manager and get back to him. The frog thanks her and she departs to find the manager.

    When she does, she relates the strange tale to the manager. She then holds up the elephant figurine and points to it.

    "And just what the heck is this thing, anyway?"

    To which the manager replies...

    "It's a nicknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone!"



    (Somebody call the pun police... )

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    A man is on trial in Alaska. The ADA looks him square in the eye and asks, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"


    A judge is hearing a divorce case. "Mr. Johnson," he begins. "After careful consideration, I've decided to give your wife $800 a week alimony."
    "That's very generous, Your Honor," says Mr. Johnson. "Believe me, I'll try to help out a little, myself."

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    So this seal walks into a club.

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    And then there are my favorites, the dead baby jokes.

    Warning: If you are easily bothered by disturbing images or have recently had something to eat - DON'T READ THIS.

    Q: In a pile of babies, how do you tell the dead babies from the live babies?
    A: Stick a pitchfork in each one and see if they wiggle.

    Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
    A: The live one at the bottom eating its way to the top.
    "Plan?...There ain't no plan!" - Pigkiller

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    A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the bartender gives her one.


    A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here recently?"
    The bartender replies, "I don't know. What's he look like?"


    Two penguins sitting on an iceberg. One looks to the other and says, "You know, it kinda looks like you're wearing a tuxedo."
    And the other penguin says, "What makes you think I'm not?"


    A lawyer is out golfing and out of nowhere, a golf ball nails him in the head. When the ball's owner comes to retrieve it, the lawyer looks at him threateningly. "Your ball just hit me in the head! I'm going to sue you for $10,000!"
    "Sorry," the man says, "but I yelled 'fore.'"
    "I'll take it!"

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