by, 07-01-2009 at 04:25 PM (944 Views)
URGENT PSA (public service announcement)
Current mood: determined
Well it's the Halloween season again, and what better time of year than to give a PSA on escaping a zombie outbreak!
You never know when or where the undead could rise and gnaw on human heads, or eat our arms off, or perhaps dine on our intestines like angel hair pasta. A reactor in Delaware could explode, or some alien fog could descend upon earth. A bomb could drop on a country and turn innocent people into exorcist lookalikes interested in only eating your face off!
I know what you're saying to yourself. Where are my pants? And I will return them to you once you have read this important blog! Don't let the fate of the stupid people in movies be the same as yours! If you run into a zombie and it is not Rob, then this could save your life!
Step One: RUN! (This might not seem obvious at first, but just go with it alright?)
Step Two: DON'T TRIP AND FALL DOWN! (The big breasted blonde girl always does this! Lets preserve big breasted blonde girls people! Stop tripping!!
Step Three: When suspenseful music is playing mysteriously from somewhere overhead. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR IN FRONT OF YOU! (This usually means a zombie is waiting behind that door as some sort of sick, twisted lets make a deal prize.) I'd rather have the goat.(as long as its not a zombie goat!!)
Step Four: ONLY TRAVEL WITH QUICK PEOPLE! (this means no old folk, children, or fatties.) If you do travel with these types, simply push them into a plethora of zombies currently chasing you to throw them off of you for a while. Don't feel bad! They would have turned into zombies eventually anyways! Then they would bite you in your ass when you weren't looking. And not in a loving way!
Step Five: IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, TRAVEL WITH NINJAS (This might be a tough one, but Ninjas are bad for zombies health!) Chuck Norris is a mega ninja. So if he is close by, make sure you travel with him!
Step Six: HAVE A VEHICLE WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS! (If you burgle a car, make sure the tank is full!) p.s. don't crash into any trees! This is bad for a cars health and can expose you!
Step Seven: DRIVE TO A GROCERY STORE AND STOCK UP! (This will require some zombie dodging. If you have been in a mega Wal-Mart at 11 p.m. then you already have extensive training in this category!)
Step Eight: GO TO A GUNSHOP OR CHUCK NORRIS' HOUSE! (These are ideally the most secure places in the world) Secure the perimeter and plan a long time of squatting. (If you helped up that big breasted blonde when she tripped earlier, you might not be so bored after all You could have babies and Chuck Norris could train them into a legion of undead killing Ninjas! (See how important that girl was?)
Step Nine: Go up on the roof daily and shoot zombies in the face! (Learn a lesson from "Dawn of the Dead" Just don't have a doggy door!!!)
Step Ten: IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, DO NOT GET EATEN! (This is always the tragic downfall of all people in zombie movies trying to survive. Biting can be recreational and even fun! (ask Marv Albert) but, zombies are NOT top prospects for this activity!!!
Well if you follow all of those ten tips successfully. (Or just step ten) then you should be fine. I cannot stress the importance of Chuck Norris and or big breasted blondes enough in this survival guide! And hey! Throw Chuck Norris a frickin bone while you're at it! Ask the girl if she has any non-zombie hot friends for him. Cause lets face it. Chuck Norris needs to get his freak on too!