The Worst News of all Time
by, 06-10-2013 at 02:59 PM (293 Views)
So 5 years ago, I had a gf for six month's or so named Stephenie that I was starting to really like. I told her I loved her. Things were good and I expected them to get even better. However I got the impression she was still kinda hesitant about "us" because sometimes she wouldn't come by when I asked, or would rather go out with her friends. But I wasn't a jealous type and I was happy to miss her, as long as I was her boyfriend.
Then she tells me she's pregnant, a little while after St. Patricks day I believe. She tells me she forgot to take her birth control that day because she got drunk. It was a pretty big shock to me, because at the time I wasn't really ready to be a dad. I had issues about it because I was raised by my dad who divorced my mom when I was 3. My childhood was by no means normal and screwed up in a lotta ways because I was raised by a single parent. I swore to myself a long time ago that I did not want to have kids until I was married and secure with my life.
I'd already had a scare a couple years before that when an ex-gf got pregnant and decided to get an abortion. Worst experience of my life! I hope I never have to go through that again. Just awful. Long story with her too...
Anyway this was happening to me again with Stephenie and I hoped it would be different this time. I did not want to go through the trauma of an abortion with her. I knew it would probably end our relationship, just like it did with the previous gf. I hoped things would work out, and I really needed some assurance from her that she wanted to have this kid with me. But because things were kinda wishy-washy with us in the first place, I wanted to be cautious about figuring out what she wanted.
In other words, I didn't want to tell her, hey if you think you'd really wanna end up with me, that'd make me happy. Because what if that influenced her to do something she really wasn't comfortable with? What if I ended up having a kid with someone who didn't love me, and our child suffered as a consequence like I suffered? So I decided to approach it very calmly, and let her make up her own mind because ultimately she was gonna do what she wanted to do.
So I tried to talk to her about it, but it was like talking to a hollow shell. She was really disconnected, and just not hearing me... I figured it was stress perhaps, but maybe also uncertainty. I knew her parents were religious, and would not want her to get an abortion. But I also knew I didn't want to have a kid with her if she didn't want to have a kid with me. I tried to explain that to her, without giving away what I was fishing for, and she disappointed me by saying that she was going to get an abortion. I remained calm though, cause I told myself as awful as that was it might be for the best.
So we made an appointment with the clinic, and she spent the night with me the night before we had to come in. Before I woke up though, I had a very lucid dream where I woke up and told her it was time to get going, and she refused to go. And then, when I actually did wake up, that's exactly what happened. It freaked me out, and I started losing my calm about it. I knew this wasn't her talking, but her mother talking, because her parents wouldn't forgive her for doing what she wanted to do.
I tried to talk to her and ask her to explain herself. Inside though, I was secretly pleading with her to tell me that she was doing this for us. Because she wanted to be with me. But she didn't say anything like that. So I told her something like I didn't want to be a relationship with someone who wasn't sure they wanted to be with me, and was weak-willed about being their own person.
She reacted badly, and stormed out of my place hating my guts. But really, I felt like I didn't have a choice about what I said because why should I commit to being in a relationship with someone I didn't trust? Still, it broke my heart to hear myself say those words and watch her leave because I also knew that my worst fears were coming true. I was going to have a child that was unplanned with someone who wasn't in love with me.
I felt ashamed, and guilty that I let this happen to me twice! So I didn't tell anyone, not even my parents. For three month's I kept it to myself, and all the while Stephenie was texting me cruel, hateful things. About how I was such a terrible person and a complete mistake. It hurt a great deal, and I got very depressed about it. Because for all I knew, maybe she was right? Maybe I should have committed to her and just hoped for the best.
As the month's went by though, reality was really starting to sink in. I knew she would be due soon, and regardless of how I felt about her I wanted to do the right thing by my child. So I showed up at her parents place one day (she moved back in with her parents after she got pregnant) and really didn't know what to expect. I believed she hated me, and I knew it was likely that her parents had heard every horrible thing she could imagine about me. Her dad might shoot me on the front lawn (He was some kind of Navy vet). But it was something I had to do. I had to tell them that I was going to step up and support my child.
Ended up that it was just her and her mother that were home at the time. Her mom was actually very nice to me, and gave me a chance to explain why I was there. What surprised me though, was how I felt about Stephenie when I saw her again carrying our child. I was overcome with love for her, and I realized that I really wanted to be with her. But it seemed like a silly thing to feel because she still acted like she hated me. I gave her $400 and said I'd keep giving her the same amount every month for the time being. I wanted to make her feel like maybe she was wrong about me.
More time passed, and my feelings and doubt about her tore at my heart like animals. I couldn't sleep because I feared the nightmares I often had about my sad future. So I took too drinking myself to sleep more often than not. Not that had any interest in being an alcoholic. It was just a phase. I tried to talk to her, I texted her, I wrote her letters, I gave her flowers, and I asked her to tell me when it was time for her to go to the hospital.
When the day came though, she didn't tell me he was born until hours after her delivery. She'd named him Matthew (and gave me no say in that) but the real surprise was that she didn't list me as the father on his birth certificate. And that enraged me, I dunno why it did, but it just felt so cruel to me... that on the first day that I got to see my newborn son he wasn't told who his father was. I didn't get to hold him, but I was permitted to see him in an incubator or whatever those things are called.
He was healthy though, they just had some remaining medical tests to do. More month's went by, and I came by to visit Matthew at Stephenie's parents house on a regular basis. Her dad was a complete prick to me though, and physically threatened me even hitting me once with the door as I was leaving. But because she hadn't put my name on his birth certificate I still had to go to court to get my rights established. Which meant that I had to send a sheriff over to her house to serve her with a summons. But it wasn't like I didn't tell her that I was going to go to court, and she acted like she had no problem with it as long as I was being serious about it. I even told the court-officer to be especially courteous to her when she was served because I didn't want her to get spooked about anything.
However on the day that she was served, she refused to answer the door, and as soon as he left, her dad called me up spewing vitriol at me about how he was going to ruin my life because I scared her so badly. He demanded that I call off the court summons until I had proven myself a little more about being a father. I guess he was speaking for her in this regard... I was pretty angry and upset, but also regretful that I had spooked her and backtracked on the progress I was making earning her trust again. So I called off the court case for the time being.
Her dad ended up leaving her mom to be with some girl half her age and after a while things got better with her and her mom when I came by to visit. They moved into an apartment together and I was working two jobs, 60 hours a week at least trying to prove that I was serious about being a provider. She had some Army guy move in with her for a couple weeks that she apparently met on the internet. But he broke her heart and left her. And I started trying even harder to be with her again. I brought flowers over with me most of the time, and I told her again and again that I missed her. Her mom thought we should get back together too.
For a few months, we did, and I was pretty much living at their apartment, even though I had my own place. I bought her jewelry, and spent all my extra time helping to raise little Matthew. She seemed like she was warming up to me again, but then she started going back to school, and suddenly and mysteriously she started acting uncertain again. She told me she didn't want to be with anyone while she was in school, because she was trying so hard to be independent.
It hurt, but I took a step back again like she wanted. I had her bring over our son to my place from them on, but I tried even harder to show that she should be with me. I spent lots of time and money fixing her vehicles in addition to the regular child support that I'd been giving her voluntarily, with no court order of any kind. Sometimes Matthew would stay with me for a week or two, when she went away on a trip to visit friends or relatives. I was happy spending time with Matthew, (He was 2 at the time) even if I wasn't with her, because I felt like the chances were still good that we'd end up together.
But then I noticed some guy in the car with her when she came to pick him up sometimes. I didn't know who he was, I'd never seen him before. I asked her brother about him next chance I got, and he said "Oh, that's her new bf. Did you not know about him?" Turned out she met him at school, and she'd told me to go home because she actually wanted to be with him. I was so sad, I felt like I'd been shot through the heart. I couldn't believe that she'd lie to me like that.
And the really weird thing was, that this guy Will, was a total loser. He was older than me, and already had 3 other kids from three other women. He was ugly, and crude, and just plain gross... and I hated him regardless of how nice he might have been. But I suppose that's to be expected.
I tried to date again, and I had a couple other relationships over the next couple years, but late 2011 I heard that she and Will had broken up. So I started to come over to see Matthew at her place, one thing led to another, and she pretty quickly started acting like she wanted to get back together with me. And for a couple weeks it seemed like that was going to happen, and then I came by to drop something off for her out of the kindness of my heart only to have Will answer the door. I remember the look on her face, and all she could say was "Shit!".
So I guess that was the 3rd time she broke my heart, but it felt three times as bad as the first time, because I felt like a fool more than ever. I got very depressed again, and for the first time I felt like I couldn't be around her at all. So I took off, I moved down to the bay area trying to find more work. I was still sending her money every month (still without any kind of court order for it), but she made me feel so bad about leaving Matthew behind. Even though I did come up to see him, and its not like I ever missed his birthday.
I ended up living down in the bay area for about 8 months or so, and it was good for me in a lot of ways. I got over Stephenie finally cause I didn't have to see her face anymore. But in other ways it was not so good, because I missed Matthew a lot and I was starting to really hate myself for neglecting him. So last August, I decided to move back up here, and finally do what I tried to do over 4 years ago and go to court and get my rights to him established once and for all.
She made it harder than ever to see him when I got back up here, but I made it clear that I wasn't leaving again and that I wanted to have my own life with Matthew. I finally went to court and had her served with papers last January, and that's when she basically went off the deep end. Started being a total psycho towards me, and taking out her anger towards me on our son making him feel like he was doing something wrong spending time with me because she didn't want him too. It got so bad that I decided I had to just leave him be, until the court said she had to let me see him.
The judge ordered a paternity test for us (which is pretty much standard procedure in paternity cases) and I had no problem with that. But she tried to refuse, saying she didn't want to put our son through the stress of it (it's just a mouth swab). I stopped trying to have any kind of conversation with her in the last couple months because of her stupid bad attitude. I actually had to miss his birthday for the first time in his life and that felt like the worst day of my life. But then a few weeks ago I got the results of the paternity test and it turns out that I am not Matthews father. And that definitely had to be the worst news of all time.