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scars_of_carma

My reality

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Before accidents started whittling down my athletic ability I had ambitions to be a professional cyclist or basketball player. I also used to do cross country running and I hiked all the time. I was a pretty fit guy and I enjoyed exercise more then anything.

When I was thirteen a car accident sprained my neck so bad I had to see a chiropractor twice a week for six months just to get my head back on straight, literally. I had to give up sports and even P.E. after that, doctors orders. I tried anyway but it was hopeless.

Now every morning I stand in front of the mirror, close my eyes and do a stretching exercise with my neck. If its crooked when I look again I know I have to take it easy. Otherwise neck spasms can be quite debilitating.

Then when I was eighteen, I crashed my first car into a boulder at sixty-five mph. That smashed my face up so badly I needed re constructive plastic surgery. It also cracked two of my molars, and my jaw pops like crazy now when I eat.

The worst part of it was crushing my right foot. I've had three surgeries on it but it's still held together by screws and wires. I couldn't walk on it for six months, and then I needed a cane to move around. I should still use a cane actually, I just don't cause I hate being pitied and nobody wants to hire a cripple so I have to lie about it. If I'm not careful with how I put pressure on it it hurts all the time.

If I do a lot of physical labor (even working on cars) for a few days it's guaranteed to swell and hurt so badly I can't sleep. If I have to get up take a piss in the middle of the night, I have to crawl. The next day, I have to force myself to put pressure on it and get the blood flowing again or I'm absolutely useless.

When I worked as a dock worker so I could buy my race car, it was like agony for a full five days a week. On my days off I had to put my foot in ice water to fight the swelling for the following week. My supervisors knew I'd lied to them about what I could and couldn't do, but they cut me some slack cause at least I showed up to work everyday and I wasn't hungover or drunk on the job.

I limp around like an old man sometimes but I can't blame anyone for my misfortune. Nobody else crashed into that boulder, I did, and it certainly taught me some things about pain, life and failure in the process.

Establishing a satisfied, self-sufficient life is difficult to do. It's even harder if you have no idea what will make you happy and weren't happy to begin with.

You may not be a mean person but stress and guilt and anger eat at you until you almost forget who you are. This leads to a short-temper and resentment towards anyone that has a problem with you. They don't understand that you're just trying to keep your head down and get on with your day. You aren't trying to cause problems or get in anyones way you just want to be left alone.

Another thing is, happy people can't stand unhappy people and vice-versa. Happy people don't want you working with them, happy people don't want to be your friend, and shiny-happy girls think you are some kind of freak.

The only people that want to hang out with you are other unhappy people, and all they want to do is *****. You might think starting a relationship with an unhappy girl is a good idea right? At least it can't make things worse... if you can make each other happy you'll really love and appreciate each other...

But that's not how it works. The girls are happy with you only as much as you are happy with them. Their lack of self confidence makes them clingy, moody, and needy. Before long you start to think your new gf isn't that great. She wants you to make her happy all the time. She wants you to be happy, all the time. And whats worse, she wants you to be happy about making her happy. It just doesn't work, in the end you are more miserable then you were when you were alone. God help you if your girlfriend is also your coworker lmao.

Being happy, and staying happy are two completely different challenges. You can always find some quick fix to happiness. Buy a video game, order something for your car, buy food, eat food, watch you tube until your gut aches from laughter etc. Then hope that you can sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day, and you'll have to find some other means to distract yourself all over again.

Sometimes knowing that tomorrow won't be any different, or any better then today, always makes today worse.

It's also hard to have any pride when you aren't happy. You start doing things you wouldn't think of doing before because really, who's gonna care? If your friends and family already feel sorry for you and talk about you like you're a failure nothing you do seems good enough anymore. Eventually you loose the will to motivate yourself. Anyone that asks you to do something might as well be giving you a reason not to do anything. You live for yourself, you aren't trying to be mean but you aren't going of your way to be nice either.

People say that respect is earned not given. That's bullshit, nobody has to earn respect. If you don't care about someones respect you don't show much respect. At least your being honest. Fake people faking concern, faking manners, faking smiles... no longer fool you. You stop caring about making an impression or impressing anyone. Bitterness.

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Comments

  1. Pieh's Avatar
    Hey, Scarma. Thanks for sharing your story. I have had a similar, yet also entirely different, string of events that has led to less-than-achieved dreams. I would like to note something: I think you're a great guy, especially in the ways I deem important. You are smart, entertaining, clever, insightful, and even uplifting at times, and I'm glad to have you around.
  2. Blydden's Avatar
    Very touching. It must be hard to live in that situation, let alone write about it! Bravo.