PDA

View Full Version : So what do you do when the DM hits on your g/f?



cigamnogard
04-07-2009, 08:44 PM
So what do you do when the DM hits on your g/f?
:confused:

cmac
04-07-2009, 09:00 PM
You tell him to keep it in his pants

cigamnogard
04-07-2009, 09:20 PM
I would have - but I wasn't there...and neither was his wife.

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
04-07-2009, 09:22 PM
The DM would be physically thrown out of the house. 6 billion people on this planet, half of them being women. If this DM is such a loser as to hit on another players gf, then he deserves to be shunned, at the very least.

cmac
04-07-2009, 09:22 PM
In that case talk to him privately and tell him you don't appreciate it.

Of course then maybe the signals were misread. You never know.

cigamnogard
04-07-2009, 09:26 PM
Excellent points. My g/f was worried I would punch him out. Persoanally I really like the guy and I like his wife too. They are nice people.

cmac
04-07-2009, 09:34 PM
Well first thing to find out, since you weren't there, is to ensure you're girlfriend didn't misread what was happening. If you are 100% confident then you should let him know that it was inappropriate.

There are a couple of ways to do this.
1. you can approach it in with humor (of course not humorous for you) by bringing it up with a laugh and say "Hey, you know my girlfriend was joking and trying to ge a rise out of me by saying you were hitting on her" and ad somethign to the affect that you know it was bs because you know there is no way he would do that.

2. you can just be upfront and say that the last time your girl friend saw him she though he was hitting on her and you thing that is pretty F'd up because he is a married man...etc..

and then option
3. Say "you mother f'r" and hit him in the face. Of course with this option there is teh chance of law enforcement intervention.

Hope this helps

Grimwell
04-08-2009, 12:27 AM
Be sure not to confuse this as part of gaming. It's not. It's a personal issue and is not about D&D or any other game.

Also, it might be that he was flirting for fun, and not hitting on her with an evil objective in mind. Married people flirt outside their marriage from time to time with no intent to take it anywhere. Not all married people, and it does not make it ok, but try to find his actual intent and correct there.

Tamerath
04-08-2009, 03:17 AM
Wow...that's pretty much all I can say. While I think that if it was me I'd probably let it slide once....I'd say I'd talk to him off to the side and tell him my feelings....either way...I think it's time for a new table rule for the group if you know what I mean lol.

GoddessGood
04-08-2009, 11:40 AM
Well first thing to find out, since you weren't there, is to ensure you're girlfriend didn't misread what was happening. If you are 100% confident then you should let him know that it was inappropriate.

There are a couple of ways to do this.
1. you can approach it in with humor (of course not humorous for you) by bringing it up with a laugh and say "Hey, you know my girlfriend was joking and trying to ge a rise out of me by saying you were hitting on her" and ad somethign to the affect that you know it was bs because you know there is no way he would do that.

2. you can just be upfront and say that the last time your girl friend saw him she though he was hitting on her and you thing that is pretty F'd up because he is a married man...etc..

and then option
3. Say "you mother f'r" and hit him in the face. Of course with this option there is teh chance of law enforcement intervention.

Hope this helps


Be sure not to confuse this as part of gaming. It's not. It's a personal issue and is not about D&D or any other game.

Also, it might be that he was flirting for fun, and not hitting on her with an evil objective in mind. Married people flirt outside their marriage from time to time with no intent to take it anywhere. Not all married people, and it does not make it ok, but try to find his actual intent and correct there.
All of the above is good advice. As a female gamer, this kind of made me snicker. In my 12 years gaming, I've dated the GM, dated a fellow player, and been the GM for someone I was dating. My b/f right now refuses to join my game for fear of the appearance of favoritism. It all comes down to the level of maturity of the parties involved really. It's entirely possible that your g/f could have read it wrong or that it was innocent, and a good game/group can be hard to come by. Tread lightly and make sure you've got the whole picture.

MortonStromgal
04-08-2009, 12:47 PM
Personally I think your g/f needs to be the one to talk to him. Especially if it made her feel uncomfortable. Innocent or not its a communication problem between them and that needs to be worked out.

agoraderek
04-08-2009, 03:22 PM
Depends. If my gf is a flirt, and I know this, I'll tell her to cut it out.

If she isn't, and I know this, and the DM is supposed to be my friend (and married to boot!), well, there was this Daniel Day Lewis movie that came out not long ago with an apt title...

cigamnogard
04-08-2009, 03:53 PM
All good advice - here was the situation:
My g/f had arrived early and she was cleaning up the kitchen so that she could make a snack she had bought the ingredients for. He commented that if she kept that up he would pull a "cigamnogard" and pounce on her. She laughed it off as mild flirting. Later he walked by and patted her behind. Again she dismissed it. However, she was standing near the window and he squeezed in around her to 'close' it. She looked at him and said,"You did that on purpose."
He replied,"Yes."

I agree she should be the one to say something...however she is not coming tonight as she is not entire:bolt:ly comfortable.

drewshi
04-08-2009, 04:19 PM
All good advice - here was the situation:
My g/f had arrived early and she was cleaning up the kitchen so that she could make a snack she had bought the ingredients for. He commented that if she kept that up he would pull a "cigamnogard" and pounce on her. She laughed it off as mild flirting. Later he walked by and patted her behind. Again she dismissed it. However, she was standing near the window and he squeezed in around her to 'close' it. She looked at him and said,"You did that on purpose."
He replied,"Yes."

I agree she should be the one to say something...however she is not coming tonight as she is not entire:bolt:ly comfortable.

Been out of the loop for awhile and look what I comment on first. I agreed with everything that was said above until you brought up the circumstances. He patted her ass. That's the line for me personally. It's one thing to say something as innocent and flirty as he he first said, but them to follow it up with physical content is a major no-no. I'd simply let him know it's not appreciated by her and he needs to cut it out if you want to continue associating with him. You don't want him thinking he can get away with it.

I recently had a player of mine tell me how years ago another player made her uncomfortable during our game when he would touch her in certain ways that we never noticed or made off-handed comments like when she was wearing a low cut shirt, "You should show them off more often." She didn't tell me as she didn't want to rock the boat for the game.

Your g/f is uncomfortable. That's enough to warrant action.

cigamnogard
04-08-2009, 04:30 PM
Yeah....:yuck:

GoddessGood
04-08-2009, 06:31 PM
Yeah, I'm sort of in agreeance with drewshi, here. Maybe he thinks he's being charming or something, but since it makes your gf uncomfortable it needs to stop.

cigamnogard
04-08-2009, 06:39 PM
Exactly, still not sure what I am going to say but I have a rough idea...depending if his wife is there or not though...

cmac
04-08-2009, 07:46 PM
You know its one thing to "joke" around and still keep it on a Professional Level.

What has happened is a form of Sexual Harassment and if this were done in the work place someone could be getting fired. Key things to remember are that your g/f is now uncomfortable around him because his actions have created a hostile environment for her.

I believe that you should now leave this group as his actions (by actually "intentionally" touched her ass and then admitted his actions were intentional) have crossed the line of professionalism. You should let him know that HIS actions directly correspond to you leaving the group.

Something else to consider is your g/f's feelings. If you continue to go to his game then she might see that as you don't take it seriously and would rather play the game than stand up for her.

He is an Ass Hat. You might be able to pull the other players away from him and form your own group with the other members and leave him in the cold.

Just some thoughts and I hope they make sense

cigamnogard
04-08-2009, 07:49 PM
I think you have some very valid points but they are good friends of ours. Not too mention that this would destroy the marriage if it got out. The wife has accused him of this before....:boom::boom::boom:
--- Merged from Double Post ---
....ugh...by the way they have 4 boys all under 6.

cmac
04-08-2009, 07:53 PM
If it has happened before and now happened to you and your g/f then it will happen again.

Pull him aside and talk to him. Regardless actions like his are friendship killers. Friends respect each other and don't act like that or try to take advantage.

cigamnogard
04-08-2009, 08:00 PM
Pull him aside and talk to him. Regardless actions like his are friendship killers. Friends respect each other and don't act like that or try to take advantage.
You are correct...however, the g/f and I are no spring chickens and we do not live in a major metropolis --> it's hard making friends and we like the gaming group we are in. Needless to say, it's a shiddy deal and I have been torn about how I should act on it or even if "I" should. Hey, I asked the question on a website that I am anymous on; I cannot even talk about this with my coworkers or my friends or even my family.
Needless to say - I appreciate everyones input - my thanks:yo:

Etarnon
04-08-2009, 08:27 PM
Basically good friends or not.

You need to go up to this guy, and look him in the eye, and offer your hand.

As you shake hands with him, say "I want to thank you for your friendship. But now it's done. Keep your hands off my lady if you want to keep your hands. This is your last warning."

Then leave the game, and not deal with that guy again.

He's no longer your "Good friend." He's your rival. If you don't do something you'll lose the respect of your wife, and he'll be encouraged, until it does become a fistfight.

cigamnogard
04-08-2009, 08:33 PM
Whoa! You think so?

starwolf013
04-08-2009, 09:34 PM
Personally, I think the worst thing that you can do is the act of inaction. If you completely ignore this situation, then it is an invite for the guy to continue the behavior. You do not have to meet him with hostility, but your girlfriend deserves resolution. "Pretending" it didn't happen as described will be a game killer because you will always question it when you are there or moreso when you are not there and the gf is.

You should talk to him while separated from the others and let him know that the interpretation of his actions made your girlfriend uncomfortable and that he should not continue said behavior if he wants to keep the friendship.

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
04-08-2009, 11:21 PM
Whoa! You think so?
Etarnon is correct, he's not your friend. You dont need friends like this one. Besides, you have the best friends in the world, namely...US!

agoraderek
04-09-2009, 01:48 AM
All good advice - here was the situation:
My g/f had arrived early and she was cleaning up the kitchen so that she could make a snack she had bought the ingredients for. He commented that if she kept that up he would pull a "cigamnogard" and pounce on her. She laughed it off as mild flirting. Later he walked by and patted her behind. Again she dismissed it. However, she was standing near the window and he squeezed in around her to 'close' it. She looked at him and said,"You did that on purpose."
He replied,"Yes."

I agree she should be the one to say something...however she is not coming tonight as she is not entire:bolt:ly comfortable.

Dude, you're a better man than I. I would have pulped the dirt bag...

drewshi
04-09-2009, 07:14 AM
Yeah, the others have pretty much said it all. It's not going to be easy doing what you have to do. You share friends what with the rest of the gaming group. He has a family and you don't want to think of yourself as the one that rocked the boat (which you wouldn't. HE started it with his behavior. There has to be some accountabilty on his part.)

Look, you could keep this simple (as simple as something like this can get) and just speak to him and tell him that these are the reasons you and your
g/f can't be around the group anymore and that if he doesn't clean up his act, he's going to lose more than just the two of you as friends.

Then, give it some time. Is there anyone else in the group who is familiar with his behavior or with this specific action that you can talk with and get a feel for how he behaves post-break? Maybe you can go back.

But as it stands now, continuing to play and put up with that crap is just going to hurt your relationship with the g/f.

Good luck.

Sneaksta
04-09-2009, 08:50 AM
Personally, I have had to deal with a situation similar to this. both of us knew the guy for quite a few years, and kept tickling her. She was tolerant of being tickled as far as it went, but one night he tickled her and groped her breasts. She told me later after we left, cause I asked her wy she was so quiet half the night. Well, being the jerk that I am, I met him the next day, and with a big huge smile, punched him in the mouth, and told him he deserved it, and if he ever crossed the line again, i would knock his arse out, and she could do whatever she wanted to him for revenge................

Edit: add that since, he has been a perfect gentleman. Doesn't even tickle her anymore, and holds no grudge over any of it.

Even friends can get out of line, and need to refresh their boundaries. He is still a good friend of both of us today.

GoddessGood
04-09-2009, 09:19 AM
*shrug* Could try moving the game to someone else's house. See if he'll try that sass when he's not on his home turf.

cigamnogard
04-09-2009, 02:49 PM
Update:
His wife was around the entire night and there was no opportunity to quietly take his aside. My g/f did decide to come and play. I had thought of something subtle yet direct to say to him but the opportunity as I say did not present itself.
How/why not for half the night one of his sons thought my lap was the greatest place to be and spent it there. then his wife spent the other half sitting right beside me.

Grimwell
04-09-2009, 04:05 PM
I'm late to the feedback on the update, but my two cents:

He has definitely crossed the line. You do not want him to cross it again. He needs to know both of those things. Unless your girlfriend wants him to pat her on the tush and make excuses to get close. I'm going to work with the assumption that she (and you) don't want that.

Given that you seem to want to find a way to make things better so you don't lose your friends, damage their marriage, and not be able to game with them again you are going to need to be very direct.

You need to find a way to get him into a place where you can talk, frankly (as a couple, your gf needs to be there). You need to be very honest and direct. You do not need to punch or yell. It needs to be as simple as "You did this to me, I did not like it. We don't want to stop gaming with you, or stop being friends; but it was not welcome and if it continues we will have to stop both."

Note that I'm suggesting it come from your gf. She was the one who was violated and needs to claim her space. You are there to make clear that you know and fail to approve.

Then you need to let it go and give him the chance to behave. If he does, let the water go under the bridge. He took a very stupid chance, and needs to know it was stupid and unwelcome. He does not need to be dragged into the streets and given the tar and feather treatment.

Unless it continues after you make it clear that it shouldn't. Then you need to cut it. Violence won't help unless you like the odds of potential jail time.

Hard situation. I don't envy you, but you do need to get with your gf and then lay out some clear communication.

cigamnogard
04-09-2009, 04:20 PM
Very excellent advice - now to do it!

Sneaksta
04-09-2009, 05:40 PM
Ya should have maybe given his wife a great big, clingy, breathing down the neck hug and kiss. Let him know how it feels.. :laugh: :peace:



Just kidding, 2 wrongs ... etc. But it might be entertaining?? :pop2:

cigamnogard
04-09-2009, 05:44 PM
The wife?

Valdar
04-09-2009, 06:20 PM
Late to the party here. Hope what I have to say helps.

Grimwell is right- Violence bad. You go to jail if you win, and get beat up if you lose. This guy is thinking with his male parts- a beatdown will only excite him and signal to him that violence is OK in this scenario. Bad.

Your first responsibility is to your GF. Make sure she's ok, and for the love of the twelve gods, make it unequivocally clear that you're on her side, and clear whatever you do with her. Her feelings are why you're in this mess- do what you can to support her, and don't use her feelings as an excuse to do something stupid.

That being said, here's what I'd do:

Announce a game that you're the GM for, invite his players (and wife, if she's a player), invite anyone else you can think of that might find it fun, don't invite him, and go for it.

Running a game is not as hard as people make it out to be- GMs are few and far between, and players are usually very forgiving of mistakes because they know how dreadful it would be to have to do it themselves. Any questions about GMing, ask them here, and we'll respond in earnest.

Really, the fact that he's the GM is the only thing giving him the power to put you in this situation. Take that sacred mantle from him, and you've just turned him into an ordinary creep.

EDIT: And, if you're having trouble finding geeks in your area, here's an idea: http://www.sigelhundas.org/

cigamnogard
04-09-2009, 06:24 PM
Good points but I do not feel that he has any "power" over any of us. He's the referee and the storyteller. I know the rules quite a bit better than he does and was his DM for three years prior.

Mindbomb
04-10-2009, 12:09 AM
I was going to say that until there's a ring on her finger than she's fair game. But since there's already one on his... And obviously if it bothers her than someone should definantly put an end to that for sure.

Aaron Young
04-10-2009, 07:52 AM
Like some people posted,confrnt him in private. Get his story. Than after you get it, tell him if he does it there will be problems :mad:

Malruhn
04-10-2009, 11:11 PM
I'm sorry, but I would have to confront him - ASAP.

Last session would have been perfect.

I would have publicly asked his wife - with all in attendance - if I could grab her ass, and when she laughs it off and asks why you think it was okay to ask such a thing, just calmly tell her that, "Well, your husband thinks that it's okay to grab my girlfriend's ass, I thought it would be okay for a little reversal of attention."

That would be enough for his wife to look at her hubby and ask if it was true - which he would most probably deny. That would be when you could ask your girlfriend to verify the grope.

Sorry, but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. His wife would make sure that it didn't happen again.

I know that some may not like this idea, but I'm a big believer in public humiliation. If you do nothing, you've clearly told him that you don't have a problem with what he's done... and the longer you wait, the bolder he will become.

Deal with him, or just ask your girlfriend to hook up with the guy and be done with it.

agoraderek
04-11-2009, 12:18 AM
To the OP:

Another thing (and I have to agree with Malrhun here), dude obviously doesn't care about his wife and kids, so don't you worry about them. He made his bed. And don't worry about your gaming group. The only thing you should be worried about is you gf and her comfort and safety.

Dude isn't you friend, no way, no how.

Lucian-Sunaka
04-11-2009, 01:36 AM
Honestly I've got a slightly different position from some in here, though I won't name names. Dealing with the situation right away is important, but caution is also good. He was your friend, and hell we all get stupid sometimes. Better to resolve things peacefully and rebuild, if possible, than to let this situation completely destroy what friendship and group you guys had.

Approach with caution initially, see if you can get through to him and show him how serious this is, how F'd up his actions were, and that it cannot happen again. If he responds well, then you've just saved a friendship that didn't have to die. If he shrugs it off or some other such negutive response, then slam it to him however you feel appropriate, whether simply leaving the group and dropping off their radar, stealing his group, breaking the situation to his wife, whatever you decide.

That's my suggestion, caution first, but fully prepared to take fierce action should caution fail.

I've known several times people have messed up friendships that were important and would have resolved had they not jumped into their response violently, and a more that were cautious. More often than not, caution saved and even strengthened the friendships in question and corrected the problem. In the few cases that failed, the strong response ended the situation without further issue.

nijineko
04-11-2009, 04:30 AM
well, i'm pretty well known as a christian on this board... but somehow i just can't find myself saying, "turn the other cheek" on this one, no sir. :drum:
(sorry, couldn't resist the opportunity for humor)

i will take the side of the peacemakers, however. some words and actions cannot be undone. if you seek to make peace, while establishing firm boundaries... you can always make war later if needed. violence only used in self-defense and all that.

I think it is wise to have the young lady speak her mind and set her boundaries, while you are there.

and do let us know how it turns out, please. =D

agoraderek
04-11-2009, 04:38 AM
While I agree that in normal circumstances talking a problem out is generally the best route to take, in this case, I have to respectfully disagree. The guy showed no respect for the O.P.s girlfriend, no respect for the O.P., no respect for his wife and kids, and no respect for himself.

I understand sometimes it is hard to find a game, but sometimes, if the only game in town is run by a jackass, the best thing to do is pop in a DVD of The Princess Bride, pop some popcorn, and enjoy and evening on the couch with your significant other.

Etarnon
04-11-2009, 09:19 AM
I can't personally see "The dude is pawing my wife, talking it out will lead to a stronger friendship."

It's not a chance misunderstanding. Likely he's having marriage problems at home, and he thinks he can make his move.

He needs to be given the full frontal spank.

Would talking it out help if he had tried to slip her the tongue?

Again, I feel, Bail from the group, it's done, he caused it, too bad. Move on.

bltzkrg242
04-11-2009, 10:58 PM
So what do you do when the DM hits on your g/f?
:confused:

Laugh uproariously at the dweeb trying to bag a hotty...

If your girl is attractive then she has quite a few mooks attempting to hit on her now and again. She has the ability to handle it herself.

mnemenoi
04-12-2009, 07:46 PM
I assume you know the guy fairly well, is it possible they are poly? It might have been an attempt to broach the subject, however poorly it was executed.

I agree that it seems to have obviously upset you and your better half, just tell him and let the chips fall where they may, just tossing in my few cents. I happen to know a few poly couples that game and they can occasionally not be the most socially adept individuals out there. Just an idea...

cplmac
04-12-2009, 11:54 PM
Violence would definately not be the smartest move (risking that jail stay). However, it does need addressed and with both you and the gf at the same time. Also, the longer the time is between when it happened and when he is confronted, just tends to show him that it was OK. My personal observation is that by now, it should have already been addressed. You could have always dilly dallied after that last game session ended and confronted him about after everyone esle had left.

With what you said took place at the last session when you were both there, it sounds like his wife may have been told what happened by someone else that saw what happened and she was retaliating herself. Curious to hear what happens at the next game session. Just be prepared for anything to happen, since the actions were not discussed at the last session.

If it doesn't stop, after you and the gf tell him that such actions are off limits, I would suggest leaving the game. I would just recommend that if it comes to the two of you leaving the game, show up at the next session and try to time your arrival so that everyone else if already there. Just stay long enough to announce to the whole group that the two of you are leaving due to the inappropriate actions. Also, since you are able to DM yourself, let the group know that you will be starting your own game and that with the exception on him, the rest of the group is welcome to join your new group.

cigamnogard
04-13-2009, 05:25 PM
I agree it should have been dealt with by now however it was not an option. Nor was confronting his wife with it - as that would have 'for sure' lead to violence. Dallying at midnight when we all have to work in the morning is not really an option - again dallying would still have allowed for the wife to be present.

cplmac
04-13-2009, 11:17 PM
I think that I see what you are wanting to do. How about having him meet you both at some coffee shop or other public setting where the two of you together can tell him that the actions were inappropriate and will no be tolerated. Of course, you may need to make him think that just you and him are meeting, otherwise he may bring his wife and then prevent you from being able to mention it again.

Just an idea.

556A2
04-14-2009, 11:31 AM
The fact its been over a week since this has happened is leading me to believe that you really don't want to create any conflict over this. You need to nip this in the bud ASAP. You are dragging your feet which is justifying the behavior, and not showing concern for your G/F IMO. To be quite frank, it should have been handled the night it happened.

A "friend" that inappropriately touches your SO shows a total lack of respect to you, your SO, and your relationship is not a friend at all. Don't play it off as a innocent mistake/gesture...... because I promise you it is not.

yukonhorror
04-14-2009, 06:53 PM
skipped to end. so if repeat, sorry.

A) swift kick to the crotch
B) ignore
C) tell his wife
D) talk to gf about it


Now these are all viable solutions, but I would talk to your gf and tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Also, tell her (if this is the case) to not respond. If the DM's flirtation goes unnoticed or taken with disgust, he'll probably stop.

Fortunately my DM was the epitome of the comic book guy from the simpsons, so was never a problem.

Best second alternative, threaten to tell his wife about it. Not a great relationship builder, but it will more than likely get him to stop flirting with another girl.

As for kick, yes super fun, but probably not the best way to go.

GoddessGood
04-15-2009, 09:36 AM
Now these are all viable solutions, but I would talk to your gf and tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Also, tell her (if this is the case) to not respond. If the DM's flirtation goes unnoticed or taken with disgust, he'll probably stop.
I don't think his girlfriend was responding affirmatively to the DMs advances, so telling her it makes him uncomfortable and that she needs to not respond is probably a moot point here. I also don't think that ignoring the problem will make it go away. Silence is consent to many people, and the issue needs to be headed off before it causes more angst. It's already caused more trouble than its worth. If the DM is never confronted (especially if you and your girlfriend just up and leave) then he will have gotten off scotfree and may be more inclined to try it again later. After all, there were no consequences that one time, right?

Grimwell
04-15-2009, 10:15 AM
I move that we stop posting in this thread until the OP tells us there is/will_never_be resolution. ;)

yukonhorror
04-15-2009, 10:29 AM
I second the motion.

cigamnogard
04-17-2009, 04:55 PM
There might have been had we not had a family crisis the game night. At 9am on Wednesday (gameday) I took our daughter in to a medical clinic as she was having pains in her lower right side.
We cancelled on gamenight.
It was not an app. and she is now home after spening a night in the hospitall... and the situation is still not resolved...

However, after rereading the posts I am quite surprised by all the suggestions to violence.
-not waranted

cplmac
04-17-2009, 08:25 PM
Ouch! Hopefully everything is fine as far as your daughter is concerned.

cigamnogard
04-17-2009, 08:55 PM
She is all better and home now. We (doctor's included) that it might be her appendix but the blood check was normal, her temp - normal, her untrasound - inconclusive (they couldn't find the appendix and if it was swollen they should have seen it). They kept her overnight and monitored her. My g/f (her mom) stayed overnight with her.
All is okay - with the daughter - no, they have no idea what it was...

Grimwell
04-18-2009, 12:49 AM
I'm glad to hear that she is better. There isn't much more scary than one of your kids in the hospital.

nijineko
04-18-2009, 03:56 AM
our prayers and other positive thoughts go with you and yours, cigamnogard.

cigamnogard
04-21-2009, 08:06 PM
My thanks to you all. She is still hurting a little bit but only a slightly [1/10 pain].

nijineko
04-22-2009, 07:42 PM
oh, and communicate with her. make sure you know how she expects you to respond.... i've seen it where the female wants the male to do the whole defend the honor fight to the death thing, and was pretty upset at the guy when he tried to do the whole ignore the idiot and turn away tactic. course, that was just a verbal exchange, not the lady getting felt up.

also, please make sure your wife knows that she has our support and sympathy as well as yours!

Jcosby
04-23-2009, 05:21 PM
I guess I'm to old and have been married for to long for something like this to bother me. As for me, I'd see if I couldn't get some extra XP out of the deal!! :)

JC

Lucian-Sunaka
04-23-2009, 05:32 PM
LMAO, everybody's got a different take on the situation, that's for sure.

Shadow Knight
04-25-2009, 11:19 AM
First of all, I hope the kid is ok.

Second of all, you need to deal with dude asap, and I mean like yesterday. Really, it should have been dealt with the same day it happened. Violence is not necessary at this point, so I don't advocate it. With that said, however, you should let him know that it is an option later if he chooses to ignore the warning now. Let him know that you've known since it happened and have been debating how best to broach the subject with him and then have been unable to get around to talking to him. This can be done via text, e-mail, face to face, etc. I prefer written forms myself, as it makes sure that the words I choose are correct and should he decide on the wrong course of action, I'm not within punching reach. The only reason I would make sure this is done face to face is if you didn't beleive your g/f and and wanted to see his reaction to the accusation and from what you've said, that's not an issue. Also, if his wife has accused him of it before and he did it to your g/f, then he's *done* it before. You can let him know that what he did was not appreciated or wanted and that this is his first last and only warning on the subject. If he does it again, you and your g/f will let the rest of the group know that you're not comfortable gaming with him anymore and will take over the group (if that's an option) and also disucuss his actions with his wife. If all that doesn't scare him into behaving, then follow through on the threat and have your g/f file charges against him with the police the next time he touches her.

cigamnogard
04-29-2009, 05:42 PM
We have decided we will talk to the DM about it in private. My gf/him/&me, it happened prior to game.
It does not occur when I am there. She will not be going early ever again and will not be around him unless I or his wife is present.

elephantium
04-30-2009, 10:26 PM
I think you have some very valid points but they are good friends of ours. Not too mention that this would destroy the marriage if it got out. The wife has accused him of this before....:boom::boom::boom:
--- Merged from Double Post ---
....ugh...by the way they have 4 boys all under 6.


Oh, no. No. Do NOT do this. Do NOT take responsibility for this guy's marriage. If his actions will destroy his marriage, it's on his head for being an asshat. It's not your place to hide things for him or lie to his wife for him.

As for what you should do, you're asking the wrong people for advice.

What does your g/f want?

cplmac
05-01-2009, 11:31 AM
Ok folks, since cigamnogard has posted what him and the g/f have decided upon to address this situation, I don't think that we need to keep debating this. If he wishes to post what happens after the meeting, so be it. :deadhorse:

cigamnogard
06-04-2009, 06:14 PM
We never did talk to him but just made sure that the situation could not occur again...but...
Dammit!
Well, last night it happened again.
The DM was putting down his twins and my g/f went with him to help put them down. I was there at the house but they went from the dining room (where we were playing) to the twins room. I considered saying something to her about placing herself in that position but thought to myself,"nah, it'll be okay - he will have his hands full with tucking the twins in."
Well, he had one hand free with which to grab her butt.
She reacted by slapping his arm.
They came back and both acted as if nothing had happened. We all played for another couple of hours.
I learned what happened on the drive home.
I called his wife and explained we would not be attending the Wednesday night D&D sessions. I did my best to remain calm but my voice broke when I informed her that our daughter would continue to keep babysitting for them. I also asked for an apology if we were to continue to be friends. Understandably, the wife asked why - I said that her husband needed to keep his hands to himself and that he could explain it to her.
He must have explained that he had pinched her leg/back of the knee. He stated that when he sent a text to both my g/f and myself saying he was sorry.
Please, understand I like the guy - I like his wife! Heck, he is a physical guy - he's even pinched my bum...I want to forgive him - no, I have no desire to have any physical alteration with him. I am hurt and I can only imagine how my gf feels as he was her friend well before he was/is mine.

emblasochist
06-04-2009, 08:59 PM
I'm sorry your game ended because of your former friend's decisions. I say former friend because while he was possibly a really good friend in the past, he hasn't respected the sanctity of his own marriage completely if his wife has accused him of similar stuff, nor has he respected your relationship with your girlfriend. I mean, really, things could be different if his wife, your girlfriend and yourself all were okay with it, but I don't believe that that is at all the case. He may very well be completely sincere, but you and your girlfriend are entitled to expect your friends to respect your relationships. Once their actions can be viewed as not respecting that, it's time to talk to them, and decide whether that person deserves a second chance. However, if it happens again, they aren't your friends. You shouldn't have to earn your respect; you should be able to expect it and then react if and when someone disrespects you.

templeorder
06-04-2009, 09:09 PM
If you discover this to be true, there's absolutely no place at the table for that behavior. No exceptions. In my group, there would be no talking to - thats for people who don't understand basic respect - you get the boot.

Grimwell
06-05-2009, 04:25 AM
I want you to look very hard at the selection of quotes I've pulled and my slight rearrangement of the order...


Well, last night it happened again.


Well, he had one hand free with which to grab her butt.


Heck, he is a physical guy - he's even pinched my bum...


I called his wife and explained we would not be attending the Wednesday night D&D sessions.


I did my best to remain calm but my voice broke when I informed her that our daughter would continue to keep babysitting for them.
Are you sure about that?

You won't game with him because he can't keep his hands off your wife, but you will send your daughter into that house?

I have daughters, I'm not telling you that you are a bad parent... I'm just suggesting you revisit that idea based on your decision not to be in the environment anymore... it might be time for her to not babysit anymore.

agoraderek
06-05-2009, 03:16 PM
No offense, but this ended about how I figured...

Mead
06-05-2009, 06:17 PM
I want you to look very hard at the selection of quotes I've pulled and my slight rearrangement of the order...

Are you sure about that?

You won't game with him because he can't keep his hands off your wife, but you will send your daughter into that house?

I have daughters, I'm not telling you that you are a bad parent... I'm just suggesting you revisit that idea based on your decision not to be in the environment anymore... it might be time for her to not babysit anymore.

I have to wonder if there might have been a 'not' accidentally left out of that sentence.

cigamnogard
06-05-2009, 07:05 PM
We don't want to leave them in a bind, however you make a valid point about our daughter. Moreover, in my mind I had just considred it to be an attraction to my gf and not a behavorial (sp?) issue. I could be wrong. I was wrong before - why cannot I be wrong again...


Another question is this - should I send the wife a link to this discussion?

Mead
06-05-2009, 07:49 PM
Well... just because he's a groper doesn't mean he's also a pedo. But why take the chance?

Make a clean break - babysitters aren't so rare and hard to find that they can't get another one. And if it means he has to skip nights out, that's just that much more time for him to contemplate exactly what his friggin problem is.

cigamnogard
06-05-2009, 08:41 PM
Make a clean break - babysitters aren't so rare and hard to find that they can't get another one. And if it means he has to skip nights out, that's just that much more time for him to contemplate exactly what his friggin problem is.

It's not a "night out" it's the time when they are both gone at work. The wife heads out to work while the husband is still at work. The role of babysitter is coverage while both are at work.

William Murderface
06-06-2009, 10:32 AM
i would taser him
pure simple and to the point but thats kinda what my friends do sometimes
seriously
don't even get me started on the whole stungun thing cause thats another world of hurt right there
and for those of you thinking i'm a weirdo .......yes i am but in our defense two of them are cops so when they get those cool little gadgets we like to try them out
usually not on each other but when it comes down to a gaming dispute we sometimes had a "Duel" so to speak. one of us got a taser or stungun the other got a shield and some mace in a can which btw really sucks when you get it in the eyes man that crap really stings so i guess in closing if you need a good self defense weapon i sugggest a taser and let the dm know that kinda thing isin't acceptable .........just do it in a friendly way as i'm sure you don't want to go to jail for assault

cigamnogard
06-08-2009, 03:05 PM
Again - violence is not acceptable.

MortonStromgal
06-08-2009, 03:17 PM
wait hes pitched your butt to? I'd put money on that hes going to pinch your daughters butt. Hes a butt pincher, he'll try it on anyone from the sound of it. Now I'm thinking hes not so much hitting on your girlfriend as he has a strange idea of acceptable behavior. He may need some therapy to break the habit. It would also explain the fact that his wife has accused him of it before. He may or may not be a cheater or whatever but he certainly has a twisted sense of what is acceptable especially after you talked to him about it. Hes either ignoring your talk or feel butt grabbing/pinching is not flirting.

cigamnogard
06-08-2009, 06:22 PM
Large difference between a pinch and a grab.

Etarnon
06-09-2009, 09:11 AM
You say violence or demanding he stop is unacceptable.

But you personally don't want to defend yourself or your wife.

Next it will be your daughter, cause he knows he can get away with it.

and you're wondering... "Should I link his wife to this discussion?"

What for?

What is she gonna do to stop it? NOthing, because he's been accused of it before.

Deal. With. The Situation.

No lie, your lack of dealing with the situation that is impacting you, your wife, and soon to be your daughter is Capital "W" Weak.

Man up.

Some guy grabs your wife, and you, your response is to throw him to the ground, and step on his neck until he gets a clue.

This crap has gone on for a month. It seems like you like and need the attention.

No more sympathy from me. Call me a troll, that's how I see it.

cplmac
06-09-2009, 05:43 PM
Although my friend, Etarnon, sounded quite harsh in his post, he does voice some valid points. Knowing him personally and about his military background, I know where he is coming from. Not that I will condone the act of violence, but then in the heat of the moment, each person will react differently.

Yes, I can basically just about gaurentee that at some point he will do the same with your daughter, since from what he has seen, he can get away with it. I have two daughters myself and I can tell you that I would never knowing let them babysit at someone like that's place. If you wish for your daughter to continue the babysitting job, I would recomend having their kids brought to your place and only if you or the gf will be there when he is either dropping off or picking up his kids.

As for linking his wife to this thread, by the sounds of things, it is too late. That and the fact that she has accused him of it before, would make one think that she would have taken the twins to tuck them in, since he has a track record of being touchy with others.

Another thing that I feel would be a wise thing to do is let the other players know why you are no longer going to the game. Especially if any of them would be females. I would not be surprised to find that he starts doing the same to any other female members of the group. Actually, don't be surprised if they tell you that they have been having the same problem.

Lastly, with the post about putting the twins to bed, I would also have to agree with the idea that you are liking the attention the thread brings your way. Let me also add, that I find it rather weird that with what had happened previously that the gf would actually even entertain the idea of being in a different room, alone with him. As I recall Spock saying on the original Star Trek, "...highly illogical...".

Moritz
06-09-2009, 05:51 PM
This conversation/thread has been going on for 2 months and is up to 6 pages. Has anything been done yet? At this point, if nothing has been done, the offender feels confident that nothing will happen, the offended probably thinks the original poster of the question doesn't give a crap and will continue to let it happen.

I think some face has been lost over the passage of time.

My father always said, "$&!^ or get off the pot."

cigamnogard
06-09-2009, 06:15 PM
Although my friend, Etarnon, sounded quite harsh in his post, he does voice some valid points.

So do 1000 monkeys typing in a room after enough time.


Knowing him personally and about his military background,

Lovely, hopefully he is not on any peacekeeping missions. Both the "DM" and I have military backgrounds as well. At best we go to jail at worst maybe one of is killed. Both of us also have long fuses but a beserker like rage. Good idea - :confused: Either way we are adults who settle things in an adult fashion.




Yes, I can basically just about gaurentee that at some point he will do the same with your daughter, since from what he has seen, he can get away with it.

Valid point. I prefer to believe he was just attracted to my g/f but I could be wrong.




As for linking his wife to this thread, by the sounds of things, it is too late. That and the fact that she has accused him of it before, would make one think that she would have taken the twins to tuck them in, since he has a track record of being touchy with others.
The wife did not arrive till later.



Another thing that I feel would be a wise thing to do is let the other players know why you are no longer going to the game. Especially if any of them would be females. I would not be surprised to find that he starts doing the same to any other female members of the group. Actually, don't be surprised if they tell you that they have been having the same problem.

Excellent point.
Now, this is something I had thought of but was not sure if I should do so. Which brings me to your last point. I suppose you could see it that way - that I am hurt and looking for attention. No, I am looking for advice - My girlfriend does not want to talk about the situation and it's not something I really wanted to 'blab' about as where (size of the community) I am from it's only about one two degrees of seperation.


--- Merged from Double Post ---

the offended probably thinks the original poster of the question doesn't give a crap and will continue to let it happen.



Did you read the six pages or are you just jumping on the bandwagon? Nevermind, I already know the answer.

Etarnon
06-09-2009, 11:37 PM
Either way we are adults who settle things in an adult fashion.

Insults aside, I'll respond one last time.

Seemingly implying that defending your family from a sexual bully is a "childlike thing to do".

Here's the scenario.

He's assaulted your girlfriend, per the legal definition.

He's assaulted you. This rules out that he's hot for your girlfriend only. He's hot for anyone to be touched by him for the reaction.

You've done nothing, and yet you are willing to permit the daughter to be in close contact with this guy, when no other adults may be around.

The recipe for disaster here is when he gets it in his head that you after being touched and felt up, are allowing the daughter to go visit, thus he feels like nobody will do anything, you are acting powerless and he's in charge.

When something happens more serious than a feel up, guess who gets hauled out to the police for Neglect "Like an adult", by allowing the girl to get molested, etc. you fill in the blanks. Yeah he gets hauled in too, but not just him.

There is culpable negligence here, and the crosshairs are on you.

You have a duty, whether you realize it or not.

That's all I'll say, because you aren't listening. Maybe this one last time you will.

Let's not have us read of this in the Regina News, eh?

Good luck. Sincerely.

Grimwell
06-10-2009, 02:05 AM
I think it's time to close this one off, it's not really a D&D discussion -- but it's a very serious topic and we are to the point where there is plenty of advice to follow or ignore. If more help is needed, it's likely to be best served by a professional.

This way we don't end up with more anger. What was needed to be said has been said.