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View Full Version : Dumbest thing a player ever said to you as a DM?



upidstay
01-03-2008, 02:11 PM
A few of us were talking about an old article in Dragon called "Player say the darndest things (before you crush them)". Amongst them were "Hey, whose the chick with the spiders?"

I had a young kid tell me he could "conjure up" a +5 fully vorpal sword at will. I let him do it. It arrived in under a minute, along with the Githyanki war party who owned it.

Had a player leap off of a cliff, because he had enough HP to survive, and enough potions to heal up any damage. Unfortunately, his potions all failed their save (he didn't think of that) and were smashed on impact. The giant ants who ate him and his pack were veeeeerrrry healthy though.

One player really wanted to meet Storm Silverhand from the Realms, because he thought she had some cool magic items, and he was gonna kick her butt and take them. She got some new items that day. I think I still have the character sheet with her new toys listed.

And lastly, at a con, the young moron across from me told the female DM that girls were basically to stupid to fully understand the intricasies of the game. She had a good time with him.

Any good ones you've heard across the table?:D:D

Anaesthesia
01-03-2008, 02:38 PM
I wasn't dming, but one kid decided to tell the DM that he was going to stick his hand in a torch. It burnt off. He wanted to stick his other hand in, too, to rescue the first hand. The DM had fun with him.

Mulsiphix
01-03-2008, 06:10 PM
Had a player leap off of a cliff, because he had enough HP to survive, and enough potions to heal up any damage. Unfortunately, his potions all failed their save (he didn't think of that) and were smashed on impact. The giant ants who ate him and his pack were veeeeerrrry healthy though.That is hilarious :D. I hope people keep posting these. I'll just let this thread simmer and return later with a thing of popcorn and a mind set ready for hilarity :p

Malruhn
01-03-2008, 11:21 PM
Whilst scaling a cliff down to an enemy keep, the party was spotted by the defenders. As arrows are doing massive damage, one PC sees a ballista being re-aimed, so he dropped the last 30' onto the battlement as he screamed to his teammates.

One guy says, "Ballista? What harm can HE do?"

Umm, dude... you're a fourth level magic user... try some math. Oh, and that was BALLISTA - not BARRISTER. He had thunk it was a lawyer!

DrAwkward
01-04-2008, 01:07 PM
Was running a game at a comic shop, and there was a father-son combo at the table. The dad was a crusty AD&D player from the days of the un-painted plastic dice, and his teenage son was learning to play.

I called for the dad to roll a "d20". He immediately grabbed a d10 and a d6 and rolled "old school" -- original dice sets numbered the d20's 0-9 twice and you either had to mark half of them, or use another dice for high/low.

I knew what he was doing, because his dice were as old as I was, but his son freaks out; "dad! dad! he said d20! dad! twenty-sided-die! dad you rolled the wrong dice, dad."

We all had a good laugh, and found a kindergarden "I can count to ten!" sticker that the kid had to wear on his forehead for the rest of the session.

Maelstrom
01-04-2008, 02:09 PM
In one of my early campaigns, kobolds always wore topknots on their heads, for which the local town leaders would pay a couple silver pieces each for, as proof that more kobolds were eliminated.

One of my players acquired a portable hole (a pocket sized extradimensional space) for his inventive character, and he planned on capturing kobolds, throwing them in the hole, then letting them grow their hair out. He would then "harvest" the captured kobolds' topknots, wait for their hair to grow out, and do it again.

Not exactly in the "dumbest saying" category, but we did get quite a few laughs out of it.

Mulsiphix
01-04-2008, 04:29 PM
DrAwkward that sounds cruel but hilarious.

Malruhn
01-04-2008, 10:08 PM
DrAwkward, that nearly made me spew diet cola beverage all over my monitor!!

The last campaign I was in, I was locked in a life-or-death struggle involving a trap wrapped in a riddle, and the DM asked me to roll a Will Save. Without batting an eye (and still all worried about the trap), I grabbed a d6 and a d20. After adding my bonus in, I said, "I hope a 22 makes it, cuz that's all I've got."

I suddenly realized that the room was silent and everyone was staring at me.

Not a one of them knew what I had done, and wanted to know how I cheated. I felt quite old.

Mulsiphix
01-04-2008, 10:52 PM
Looks like since the D20 system was born all other forms of rolling were lost to the pages of history. Be prepared to see many other things you once held dear slowly disappear as 4E, 5E, etc... are released :(

Digital Arcanist
01-04-2008, 11:56 PM
at least its not ro-sham-bo

tesral
01-05-2008, 12:50 AM
After a long session the one character got a wish. He slurred out. "I wish I could cast seventh level lizards." Now he meant "seventh level wizard spells", being the Awful evil DM I am I went with it. Character could huck his level in 7HD lizards a day. Was a mean old cuss followed by all the really big monitor lizards that survived.

Big fight with a dragon, a clever dragon. They burst in, no dragon. Suddenly a little tiny dragon lands on one PC's head, and dispels his alteration. Full sized red. One PC trapped. The Paladin charges forward and gets a giant cork stuck on his sword. While he fights to free the sword the spell caster get Mr. Dragon a boo-boo that really stings. The dragon cuts loose and I call for breath saves all around. From under the beast comes "He can't get me, I'm under him."

More later.

Bloodwyrm
01-05-2008, 04:21 AM
Ok Now I Was Dming A Pretty Decent Size Party(8 Pcs) and one of the Pcs Decides that he wants to Leave From The Party And Join The Monsters As A Spy for pcs. so i went with it and it turned out he ended up having to roll for it(cause i made him) Well All I Can Say Is This Pc Is Giant Chow Now.

upidstay
01-05-2008, 09:15 PM
Greatest line ever in an issue of Dragon. It was in the "Ask the Dragon" section.

Question:
"What are the effects of a severed limb?"

Answer:

"Nothing. It just lies there."

Mulsiphix
01-05-2008, 10:06 PM
LOL that is classic. What do you think the guy was asking though? Surely he knew it lies there. You think he wanted to know how it effected his PC as far as abilities went or what?

tesral
01-05-2008, 10:54 PM
Oh, another one, admittedly an inexperienced player. I announce morning to the group in game.

"Do I wake up?"

Mulsiphix
01-05-2008, 11:06 PM
"Do I wake up?"I'm sorry your still asleep and the group is leaving now. Your character will eventually become lost and join a group of bandits. You become addicted to stimulants while fighting a life long struggle to sleep "lighter" so your friends and colleagues don't keep leaving you behind. You die of a heart attack at the age of 32 from an overdose. So sorry, please leave the table now. This game is for the living :cool:

upidstay
01-06-2008, 01:01 PM
I'd assume the original questioner wanted to know what would happen to his PC after that Sword of Sharpness lopped off his arm. I definitely liked the answer, though.

I always made the pc make an immediate constitution check to saty conscious, then lost 25% hp per round until tended to, death after the 5th round if somehow still alive.

Mulsiphix
01-06-2008, 11:28 PM
How do you tend to a lopped off arm? Isn't it just gone?

tesral
01-07-2008, 01:07 AM
How do you tend to a lopped off arm? Isn't it just gone?


Well there is the other end to worry about. The rest of the body? That might require tending. It will usually indicate this by screaming and bleeding. A sure indication that some tending could well be a good course of action, or not.

However if it shrugs it off with "only a flesh wound". Run, run far away.

Mulsiphix
01-07-2008, 02:27 AM
So once the arm is gone, it's gone for good right? No magic spell to fix it? No sewing it on and then turning the arm undead or at the very least being allowed to limply hit enemies with it?

Maelstrom
01-07-2008, 05:27 AM
Ring of regeneration or the Regenerate spell will allow you to get your limb back.

Of course it might be fun to animate your ex-arm or hand :).

rabkala
01-07-2008, 07:40 AM
You can graft a new limb on. Much better than the original if you don't mind demon, undead, illithid, beholder, aeboleth, etc. flesh attached to your body. A few magic items might do the trick, although most are super artifacts or may not have been around at that time.

Mulsiphix
01-07-2008, 09:52 AM
It would be pretty sweet if you could find somebody to animate it and it acted as your familiar like one of those old horror movies with the severed hand that murdered all of your friends and family ;)

Maelstrom
01-07-2008, 01:34 PM
An Artificer would definitely have fun with that concept. There's a homunculus variant (basically an Artificer-crafted familiar) in Magic of Eberron called an Arboleth which is basically a little creature built around a crossbow that reloads and fires independantly from the Artificer.

I wouldn't mind a crossbow arm!

upidstay
01-07-2008, 08:48 PM
I had a group of gnomes craft a new mithral arm for me after mine had been lopped off. DM ran a high fantasy/high magic campaign. Worked basically like a regular arm, but was mithral, and I think it functioned like a +1 club or something.

tesral
01-07-2008, 10:22 PM
I had one character Nabaru the Panther whole had the left side of his skull badly mauled in magical combat. It looking like nothing was there. No no, not nothing as in no head, nothing. Not blackness that would be something. Nothing, like you can't imagine it, that is something. He covered the area with a silver mask that had a glowing emerald to replace the missing eye. It had detect invisible and dark vision as permanent effects as well.

Digital Arcanist
01-07-2008, 10:28 PM
You can graft a new limb on. Much better than the original if you don't mind demon, undead, illithid, beholder, aeboleth, etc. flesh attached to your body. A few magic items might do the trick, although most are super artifacts or may not have been around at that time.

Don't forget Dragon as well.

The Races of the Dragon and Libris Mortis have the undead and dragon grafting. The Book of Vile Darkness covers the rest I think.

What is the book that talks about aberrations?

rabkala
01-07-2008, 11:24 PM
What is the book that talks about aberrations?
Lords of Madness

Digital Arcanist
01-08-2008, 12:06 AM
thanks!

Mulsiphix
01-08-2008, 02:25 AM
Dragon grafting? Like grafting a dragon arm or a miniature dragon you feed and blows fire in the face of your enemies :p

Bloodwyrm
01-08-2008, 04:01 PM
Just Last Night I Had the most messed up thing happen. i wasent dming the campaign but watching over a guy i was training. i had him send out a bunch of fire type monsters to attack the party. no one thought of using water spells against them and started to attack melee and ranged(when 2 of 5 people had water spells). after a few rounds all the pcs died due to the monsters first killing off the water spell guys then the others. burnt meat yummy.

Mulsiphix
01-08-2008, 04:16 PM
Was the entire group made up of newbies or was nobody paying attention :p

bitemytail
01-08-2008, 05:04 PM
Me: Ok, <Character name>, everyone else went around the tree covered in rats.

Character: Can I jump it on my mount?

Me: Do you have ride skill?

Character: No, but I'm gonna do it anyway. *botched roll*

Me: LUNCH TIME.

he refused to leave the horse on the tree and died fighting rats. it was magically fail

Bloodwyrm
01-09-2008, 08:26 AM
Was the entire group made up of newbies or was nobody paying attention :p

nobody was paying attention some of the players had been playing for awile so it was a noobie mistake made by veterens. lol

Mulsiphix
01-10-2008, 04:54 AM
nobody was paying attention some of the players had been playing for awile so it was a noobie mistake made by veterens. lolLOL that is classic :D

zombie1410
01-10-2008, 02:36 PM
I had a new player join and on his first fight he attempt to use fire against a fire elemental. He was a new player but...duh?

tesral
01-10-2008, 03:11 PM
It has been my experience that you don't have to be a noob to make noob errors. Tired will go a long way to reducing one's Int and Wis scores.

I recall the two "thinking players", their description of themselves, certainly not mine.

They are attacked by an eight armed four legged stone golem, several tons of stone. One of them grabbed it by the leg, and didn't seem to understand why it didn't just fall over. It proceed to pummel his PC into pulp. I had to spell out the physics of the problem to the noob. It weights eight tons, your PC weights 160 soaking wet. It has four legs, even if you had the Strength to disable that leg by a grapple, it still has three to stand on. You just lowered you AC and made yourself an easy target.

They never got passed the second room.

Mulsiphix
01-10-2008, 03:33 PM
They never got passed the second room.You sound like an utter delight to game with :p

tesral
01-10-2008, 03:36 PM
You sound like an utter delight to game with :p

Pity you can't try it. I either can't keep them or they stay for decades. What can I say?

Mulsiphix
01-10-2008, 03:39 PM
Pity you can't try it. I either can't keep them or they stay for decades. What can I say?I believe your actions speak louder than any words you could muster :D

tesral
01-11-2008, 11:07 AM
Another for you consideration.

PentaCon, several years back. I was running what I consider my best module for convention use. This pit trap is a double wammy, a 200 foot chute followed by a 150 foot fall.

Everyone else managed a save, of the eight PCs only these two didn't find some way to cling to something. As the rest of the party, hanging on to what they could or each other, watched the two characters took a heroic fall. As the fall was in two stages I rolled damage two times. 17d6 for the chute, 15d6 for the pit below it. Finally their broken and oozing bodies lay at the bottom of the pit. I had finished rolling and counting two sets of dice for each of them. I told them the bad news. they were like sooo dead.

Player One: "I have boots of levitation?"
Player Two: "Wait, I have a ring of flying!"

Well as my rule is, and I stick to it, if you can mitigate it before I hand you the damage total, you get a redo. They where out of luck.

However, so impressed was I that to this day in the bottom of that pit there are two crushed skeletons. One with a ring of flying on a chain around its neck. The other with boots of levitation in its pack.


The third character of note at the bottom of the pit is less visible. He's not a dumb thing said, but cool. Grisnar the Magician, weakest member of the party, again failed all saves and ended up at the bottom, 300% of his hit points in the hole, literally.

After the raise dead failed, due to lack of something intact to raise, his buddies blew the wad on a city wide wake. 70,000 GP and a three day riot later they considered he had a heroic enough send off. "Greasespot" lives on in the annals of the game.

Maelstrom
01-11-2008, 11:58 AM
Now That's how player death should be. Each player had several chances down the chute then down the pit to save themselves, by smarts or by luck. Those without smarts of how to save themselves and luck died a heroic and memorable death.

Add to that that some players held onto others to save them from a similar fate, and you've got yourself a bittersweet occurance.

I like this trap idea and will use it myself sometime.

Mulsiphix
01-11-2008, 01:57 PM
I love that you still keep the two adventurers down there with their items that could have saved them. I remember another DM posted on here not to long ago and said when adventurers die in a location he leaves their bodies there for other groups, at a much later date, to find and pillage. Good stuff :D

Dimthar
01-14-2008, 07:50 PM
Player during Character Creation:

- I am a Half Elf Druid Mage because my father was a Druid and my mother was a Mage

Mulsiphix
01-14-2008, 08:02 PM
LOL. Dumb or an over achiever? I feel really bad for the people who have to settle with DM's that rape the D&D setting with what they call "house rules" but is more along the lines of a "total conversion". Then those players go to real games only find that little they knew of D&D was actually based on the real game. My wife came from such a background. She was hardly a big D&D player but the group she played in before was all about combat, no RP, and the setting was "pick it out of the book and you can have it". No real boundaries :o

GBVenkman
01-15-2008, 01:36 AM
Lamest thing I've heard is:

"YOUR TRYING TO KILL US"

after the Jedi PC takes a little damage for the FIRST time in the whole mission.

A group of bounty hunters confronted him while he was alone for 2 seconds, so he lost his "Jedi Cool" (Which I pointed out)..

Reason it's so stupid:

I hook my players up with a lot. It's our first run of the game, so we might as well use everything from the books (Saga/Starships, and force unleased when it comes.) If they die in my campaign, it'll be because they choose to sacrifice themselfs, or it'll be when they're lvl 16 and are hunted down by Vader (Rise of the empire setting).

Bloodwyrm
01-15-2008, 04:01 PM
lol yeah i hate when pcs do that i hook people up well in beginning(if just starting new character) i always say if im trying to kill you then you would already be dead. that usually shuts em up.

Mulsiphix
01-15-2008, 06:24 PM
For those of you who have posted already, any chance you'd be willing to post the 2nd dumbest thing a PC has said? These are great fun :p

Freejack
01-15-2008, 06:40 PM
I also did that with treasure. It wasn't a bag of 30gp but a dead halfling with his dead mule and all gear (and a couple of sp in a pouch).

On to quotes.

Bro-in-law playing was hiding in bushes when a band of elves wandered by (he was a half-elf I believe). He made some noise so the elves pulled out their bows and demanded to know who was in the bushes.

"No one here but us Orcs!"

We actually made a t-shirt for him with that quote :)

====

Band of adventurers down several levels in a dungeon came upon a very large open area. The lowest level was open to the cavern and it was very very cold. The band got on top of the walls and were gleefully shooting into a space when a blast of even colder air blew around them from behind. They turned around and a moderately sized white dragon asked,

"Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep."

The band quietly climbed down into the maze and slinked off (the top had been crunched up by the dragon so it wasn't a gigantic open maze).

====

An Army officer wanted to play in my game. He created an Elf. He was rather "Officer like" if you understand. So during a random forest encounter while he was on watch:

Me (monsters got surprise): "You fall asleep by the fire."

Him: "I'm an Elf, I don't sleep."

Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"

He showed me in the LotR book where Legolas doesn't sleep but wanders the pathways of his mind while awake.

Me: "Well we're not playing MERP but in an effort to move things along. While you're off going to the bathroom."

Him: "Elves don't go to the bathroom either."

Me: "What? What happens, do they explode when they hit 30?"

He never came back. I wonder why?

:D

Carl

DrAwkward
01-15-2008, 08:41 PM
More of a pet peeve than a stupid player quote, but it bugs me when players ask the AC of their target, or the DC of a spell they are trying to save against.

Of course elves don't go to the bathroom, they poop in the woods like druids.

tesral
01-15-2008, 09:34 PM
We will worship with the druids
Who drink strange fermented fluids
And run naked through the wouids
And that good enough for me.

And we now know that bears do in the woods. Tiptoe around the the messes the elves and druids make. :p

On the less that stupid things players say. We had Jester who had an Owl familiar, Alister. The owl was weird, it would spit coins, sometimes with enough force to injure. It would also eat coins. You could feed it a gold piece and get ten silvers change.

Walking through the city a half assed juggler was pushing him hard for a contribution. The guy was really not good. Our Jester looked at his owl. "Pay the man Alister." (KAPOW!)

Mulsiphix
01-15-2008, 10:18 PM
I just can't leave people like that LOTR freak Freejack mentioned alone. I love to keep asking them questions until they trip up or I actually learn something. Kind of weird that he brought the book with him to a D&D game though. Didn't he know he was playing in a Gygaxian Tolkien world?

cplmac
01-22-2008, 03:19 PM
I just can't leave people like that LOTR freak Freejack mentioned alone. I love to keep asking them questions until they trip up or I actually learn something. Kind of weird that he brought the book with him to a D&D game though. Didn't he know he was playing in a Gygaxian Tolkien world?



Actually the answer to why he did any of his actions or statements is summed up in the fact that he was an officer(Army or otherwise). This is due to the problem that most officers go to college and become "leaders" eventhough they have never been in that particular setting before. They just assume that since they are an officer that they know everthing. There are some exceptions. I had a Warrent Officer that had been an enlisted person for years before becoming an officer. Since he had once been on the low end of the totem pole, he was a really good officer.


As for the dumbest thing a player said to me as DM, he wanted to know why he also had to role for damage after casting fireball (as a 7th level mage) at another mage inside a 5 foot by 5 foot room. This was after the party had chased the mage into the wooden shed and they had thought of burning him out. This was after I even asked if he really wanted to go inside and cast the spell. His answer was, "Yes".

Can you say, "two crispy mages"?

Riftwalker
01-22-2008, 04:02 PM
I just can't leave people like that LOTR freak Freejack mentioned alone.

LOL That sentence can be parsed two different ways. When I first read it, I read it the way you didn't mean and did a: o.O

Freejack
01-22-2008, 04:32 PM
I just can't leave people like that LOTR freak Freejack mentioned alone. I love to keep asking them questions until they trip up or I actually learn something. Kind of weird that he brought the book with him to a D&D game though. Didn't he know he was playing in a Gygaxian Tolkien world?

What! Are you trying to insinuate that I didn't have a copy of LOTR at home?!?

Yea, we just used my copy to find the passage. Once he showed it to me I remembered it (it was as they were chasing Pippin and Merry who had been captured by the Orcs).

Carl

DrAwkward
01-22-2008, 05:10 PM
Actually the answer to why he did any of his actions or statements is summed up in the fact that he was an officer(Army or otherwise). This is due to the problem that most officers go to college and become "leaders" eventhough they have never been in that particular setting before. They just assume that since they are an officer that they know everthing. There are some exceptions. I had a Warrent Officer that had been an enlisted person for years before becoming an officer. Since he had once been on the low end of the totem pole, he was a really good officer.


As for the dumbest thing a player said to me as DM, he wanted to know why he also had to role for damage after casting fireball (as a 7th level mage) at another mage inside a 5 foot by 5 foot room. This was after the party had chased the mage into the wooden shed and they had thought of burning him out. This was after I even asked if he really wanted to go inside and cast the spell. His answer was, "Yes".

Can you say, "two crispy mages"?

I recall from 2nd Edition Fireball used to fill a volume, and Lightning Bolt bounced. These spells were great fun, as I've seen plenty of L5 wizards eat thier own cake.

From another genre, a fellow hero decided to cook off an automatic grenade launcher in a motel room. The second time the GM asked him if he was sure thats what he wanted, I said "my character would like to dive out the window." to which Mr Grenade replied "You don't need to. These goons won't live through this."

Mulsiphix
01-22-2008, 07:12 PM
From another genre, a fellow hero decided to cook off an automatic grenade launcher in a motel room. The second time the GM asked him if he was sure thats what he wanted, I said "my character would like to dive out the window." to which Mr Grenade replied "You don't need to. These goons won't live through this.":eek: HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP!! That is funny stuff. Was he surprised when he bit the dust?

rabkala
01-23-2008, 11:26 AM
In a 2e game I DMed, a friend of mine played a Paladin. After several encounters, the group defeated a dragon. The dragon's hoard was mostly heavy sculptures, silver pieces, and copper pieces. There were so many, the already heavy laden adventurers couldn't hope to carry even a fraction of them. The paladin decided to take the vials of contact and injury poison that they had found earlier to cover the coins, thereby thwarting random creatures stealing it. They traveled for several miles and found a farm where they bought sacks, horses, and a wagon. The group carefully loaded the wagon and all remembered to wear gloves.
Upon returning to town, the joyous heroes started throwing coins to the throngs of well wishers, peasants, and beggars who greeted their return while riding through the streets. The resulting riots and deaths due to poison made them less loved than the dragon who had terrorized the area.

When I informed the paladin that he had lost his status due to using poison and countless innocent deaths, he argued
"How can the gods be angry at me for thinning the herd of undesirables? ... I just forgot."

Drohem
01-23-2008, 11:58 AM
hehehe...sounds like he really was an Anti-Paladin in disguise. ;)

DrAwkward
01-23-2008, 12:39 PM
:eek: HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP!! That is funny stuff. Was he surprised when he bit the dust?

Yeah, he was. The rest of us weren't.

As I recall, when I asked to jump out the window the DM warned me it was a three story fall.

Mr. Grenade was really confused when I replied "Good, that should be far enough"

underdarkshark
01-23-2008, 02:33 PM
I remember an encounter with a dragon that had some nasty molten sand breath weapon. Anyhow The dragon wasn't a very nice dragon. (could have been because we were trying to steal all her loot) So while everyone who had common sense broke for cover. We had a warrior walk up to it and try to reason with it, by first praising it and flattering it. (yes it still knows we are trying to rob it blind) So there he was making sure the DM knew he wasn't making any threating moves like brandishing a weapon..... walked right up to the dragon and said "your such a magnificant beautiful dragon!" The dragon replied "thank you." then the warrior took a breath-weapon attack full in the face.

I never stop laughing about that.

Anaesthesia
01-23-2008, 03:55 PM
This happened a day or 2 ago. The PC wanted to know his current XP, as he just rolled up his 8th level character, as well as what the XP was for the next level up, which was fine, assumming he just wanted to keep track how much he needed to level up.

I at the end of one game I tell him what his XP is for that particular day (which was 500 btw-absolutely no effort in RPing or combat), so he replied, "So does that mean I can start my XP halfway-between this level and next level?"

I so wanted to say "what does 28,000 + 500 equal?"

cplmac
01-23-2008, 05:32 PM
From another genre, a fellow hero decided to cook off an automatic grenade launcher in a motel room. The second time the GM asked him if he was sure thats what he wanted, I said "my character would like to dive out the window." to which Mr Grenade replied "You don't need to. These goons won't live through this."


Priceless! I laughed my *** off. I am assuming that the grenade launcher didn't have pyro grenades in it, otherwise you would have wanted to get away from the building that would have been starting to burn. Just curious, how many grenades were inside that launcher?

Mulsiphix
01-23-2008, 06:35 PM
As I recall, when I asked to jump out the window the DM warned me it was a three story fall.

Mr. Grenade was really confused when I replied "Good, that should be far enough"LOL That is classic ^_^

Shadow Dweller
01-23-2008, 08:36 PM
Wasn't DMing...but still funny as hell.

In a starwars game set pre-Yuzen Vong invasion. We were playing as a group of Sith and had survived the previous gaming sessions to this, all 5, by the skin of our teeth. This time our luck ran out and while trying to infiltrait and destory the Jedi Order temple on Osus we were discovered. After a few days, and not knowing were discovered as Sith, Luke Skywalker showed up and confronted some of our party members trying to sneak in and "rescue" the rest of us. After a couple minutes of banter one of the group who is less than well spoken looked at the DM and said "My character ignited her lightsaber and looks at Luke Skywalker saying, "The time for words is over!" to which luke obviously agreed, force jumped over and sliced him in half ala Darth Maul. He has yet to live that down.

upidstay
01-24-2008, 11:43 AM
I had a young kid in a game I was DMing, he'd only played a few times, but daddy had bought him evertyhting at Waldenbooks related to D+D.

Anyway, he had a new PC with a very developed background. He was 1/2 elf. Spent his time growing up equally between elvish mom, human dad, and dwarvish "uncle", his dad's best friend. This apparently gave him the racial benefits for both elves AND dwarves, but none of the penalties. Also, dad was a stinkin' rich trader (in magic items, of course) so he had one of each from the magic items list. A 1st level character with +5 plate, +5 shield, and a variety of +5 weapons, with a Rod of Lordly Might as his back up weapon. Oh, and, obviously, his lowest ability score was a 17. Str of 24 from his Girdle of Storm Giant Strength, you get the picture...

He was truly crushed when I handed him 4d6 to roll his stats and told him he gets 200gp to start like everybody else in the party.:D

Mulsiphix
01-24-2008, 01:01 PM
He was truly crushed when I handed him 4d6 to roll his stats and told him he gets 200gp to start like everybody else in the party.:DI almost feel bad for him. Seems like a great deal of players either don't grasp the concepts of D&D well (that is starting out with basically nothing at Lv1) or were victims of playing with a DM who encouraged such play.

tesral
01-24-2008, 03:26 PM
The absolute horror when I handed out the casino dice and said "we'll roll characters with these."

I knew that at least one of them had a set of dice he bragged were not fair, to the high numbers. You would have thought I demanded they roll stats on 3d4. The funny thing is while no one got a super PC everyone got a good PC, the dice were after all, fair.

Never brag to the DM about your "Special" dice.

DrAwkward
01-24-2008, 03:42 PM
The absolute horror when I handed out the casino dice and said "we'll roll characters with these."

I like the thought of everyone rolling with the same set of dice. I like to use the point buy method, and max starting gold. This way there isn't anything to roll and they can make the characters before the game.

One of my MapTool players has abyssmal luck with the random number generator. One of my favorite quotes from him is "My real dice roll better :("

upidstay
02-09-2008, 04:26 PM
"An Army officer wanted to play in my game. He created an Elf. He was rather "Officer like" if you understand. So during a random forest encounter while he was on watch:

Me (monsters got surprise): "You fall asleep by the fire."

Him: "I'm an Elf, I don't sleep."

Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"

He showed me in the LotR book where Legolas doesn't sleep but wanders the pathways of his mind while awake.

Me: "Well we're not playing MERP but in an effort to move things along. While you're off going to the bathroom."

Him: "Elves don't go to the bathroom either."

Me: "What? What happens, do they explode when they hit 30?"

He never came back. I wonder why?"


Umm, according to the Players Handbook, elves DON'T sleep. They meditate for 4 hours, which is equal to 8 hours of sleep for a human. So I guess he was right after all.

Freejack
02-09-2008, 10:19 PM
An Army officer wanted to play in my game. He created an Elf. He was rather "Officer like" if you understand. So during a random forest encounter while he was on watch:

Me (monsters got surprise): "You fall asleep by the fire."

Him: "I'm an Elf, I don't sleep."

Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"

He showed me in the LotR book where Legolas doesn't sleep but wanders the pathways of his mind while awake.

Me: "Well we're not playing MERP but in an effort to move things along. While you're off going to the bathroom."

Him: "Elves don't go to the bathroom either."

Me: "What? What happens, do they explode when they hit 30?"

He never came back. I wonder why?"


Umm, according to the Players Handbook, elves DON'T sleep. They meditate for 4 hours, which is equal to 8 hours of sleep for a human. So I guess he was right after all.

Which Players Handbook would this be in? I'm not at home right now so can't check. It's been a long time and I truly don't recall that being in the 1st Edition PH.

Carl

Riftwalker
02-09-2008, 10:22 PM
3.5 PHB, page 15.

nijineko
02-10-2008, 06:50 AM
When I informed the paladin that he had lost his status due to using poison and countless innocent deaths, he argued
"How can the gods be angry at me for thinning the herd of undesirables? ... I just forgot."

:eek: the mindset that this reveals....

boulet
02-10-2008, 07:57 AM
"How can the gods be angry at me for thinning the herd of undesirables? ... I just forgot."
Am I the only one finding this hilarious ?
It's the mister Bean of paladinhood :D

nijineko
02-10-2008, 08:13 AM
i see the humor, i just have an 'appalled' reaction. both from an "in-game theological" reaction with regards to the 'traditional' view of paladinhood, and an out-of-game reaction to the mindset of a player that would (hopefully) freudian this.

rabkala
02-10-2008, 10:26 AM
i see the humor, i just have an 'appalled' reaction. both from an "in-game theological" reaction with regards to the 'traditional' view of paladinhood, and an out-of-game reaction to the mindset of a player that would (hopefully) freudian this.
We did have numerous conflicts over ideals. He was a bit arrogant and spoiled. There was pretty much no area where we meshed. In my defense, I was young and believe every person has goodness in them somewhere.

When he came to the group, he showed us a character he played with his first DM (unbelievably his first DM was named Clay, but not one of the Clays I have ranted about before). It was a very high level warrior type who was a 'Strowian'. It was part storm giant, part drow, part pixie, and part human. His character was magically birthed with such parentage, but would breed true 'Strowians' with any of the parent races. He wanted to spread his master race by raping drow, which he explained was okay due to them being evil. (We probably should have thrown him to the curb immediately)

He also played a Cavalier, before the paladin, who tried to start a slavery ring with all their captures. When I informed him it was neither good nor lawful here, he threw a fit. He asserted, "Slavery is only seen as bad by ignorant modern people of a Western mindset. You are ruining this fantasy game with such liberal nonsense." I told him that the good country in which the players were located had outlawed slavery and regardless of his thoughts of good and evil, I was the DM.

Somehow, we continued playing with him for years. This may be more disturbing, but he quit playing D&D many years ago when he became a deacon at a local catholic church.

boulet
02-10-2008, 01:50 PM
but he quit playing D&D many years ago when he became a deacon at a local catholic church.

Ok, ok, ok... The paladin gone wild was funny out of the context of the actual player. Now with more detailed revealed I must admit it's a scary story. The guy seems wicked. I know a lot of people use RPG to release bad stuff they have inside of them which obviously is better than doing it in real life. But this guy feels the need to justify it in RPG too :eek:

Rabkala, this was supposed to be a funny thread, now I'm gonna have nightmares... :(

Freejack
02-10-2008, 05:36 PM
3.5 PHB, page 15.

That's all well and good. First edition PHB reference? This was back in 1981 or so. :)

Carl

Freejack
02-10-2008, 05:59 PM
Ok, I broke out my 1st Edition PHB and there's nothing in the few paragraphs about Elves and sleeping other than resistance to sleep spells. 2nd Edition PHB goes in to more detail regarding Elves but there's not much more detail than the 1st Edition PHB.

I did find a reference to it in The Complete Book of Elves which came out in 1992 for 2nd Edition. It's called The Reverie on page 34.

So if we were playing together 10 years later, it wouldn't have been funny. I guess you had to be there :D

Carl

tesral
02-10-2008, 10:57 PM
Somehow, we continued playing with him for years. This may be more disturbing, but he quit playing D&D many years ago when he became a deacon at a local catholic church.

You know, up to that point you did not have me that worried about this guy. Now I'm worried. He's still out there ... being.

nijineko
02-11-2008, 01:23 AM
hmmm, i would comment further, but i'm afraid that it might come across as an unintended comment on the catholic church, which in my view, is inappropriate in context of thread, plus, i'm still kinda in shock about this guy, so i might not be able to handle what i am trying to say with the delicacy that i think it deserves. so i will refrain from commenting any further than this on that aspect of this thread. ^^



looks like the 'not sleeping' thing was introduced late 2nd ed. ^^

Mulsiphix
02-11-2008, 01:54 AM
Of all the stories posted I think rabkala has played with the most colorful characters. I think his "everybody has some good in them" philosophy might be correct in theory but in actuality finds most, if not all of, that good very deep beneath the surface. What your left with is very scary people coming into home and playing a game which most likely gives them the only real sense of control they've ever had in their lives. I know this is a horrible outlook but from many of the horror stories I've heard from various DM's, it seems to have quite a ring of truth to it :rolleyes:

Drohem
02-11-2008, 02:05 AM
Ok, I broke out my 1st Edition PHB and there's nothing in the few paragraphs about Elves and sleeping other than resistance to sleep spells. 2nd Edition PHB goes in to more detail regarding Elves but there's not much more detail than the 1st Edition PHB.

I did find a reference to it in The Complete Book of Elves which came out in 1992 for 2nd Edition. It's called The Reverie on page 34.

So if we were playing together 10 years later, it wouldn't have been funny. I guess you had to be there :D

Carl

Riftwalker is correct.

It's on page 15 of the 3.5 Dungeons & Dragons PHB (the latest version of Dungeons & Dragons; printed in 2003). It's in the second paragraph of the physical description of elves.

nijineko
02-11-2008, 06:33 AM
i saw the humor in it! ^^ that whole sleeping thing just means that elves always get stuck with the lion's share of the sentry duty during sleep-time. (mine does his spell research during that time... but then we usually have two up at a time whenever possible, just cause he's pretty absent-minded. ever since the incident where he spotted smoke filling up the room we were using a rope trick, and he decided that it would probably not last past the extended duration of the rope trick, and so would just wait till everyone woke up and deal with it then.... and almost tpk'ed the party cause of it, my guy isn't allowed to stand watch on his own anymore. *^^* )

you should have seen the looks when i said, "oh, i'll just wait till morning to let everyone know. it probably won't last that long anyway." the dm was momentarily speechless. the, "are you sure?" clued me in as a player, but that's wwmcd!


What Would My Character Do?

bjfunbear
04-04-2008, 04:57 PM
This was many years back .. Had a young couple (Mike & Joy) join the group ,very new players.

They both playing elf rangers..

DM.. "Mike ,you have fallen into the sandtrap."
Mike rolls and with no success begins to thrash about
Mike.. "honey would you mind tossing me a rope?"
Joy.. thinks about it a few seconds then asks the DM"we get expierence for killing things right?"
DM.. "generally speaking yes."
Joy.. "ok i pull out my bow and shoot him."
She procedes to roll "Did I hit?"

Everone at the table just kinda look shocked.
Mke.. "Did you just shoot me??"
I couldnt help but crack up ,and it went downhill from there..

cplmac
04-04-2008, 07:14 PM
This was when I played AD&D 2nd Edition for the first time, so I wasn't the DM, but I thought you all might enjoy this.

When I was playing the dwarf fighter Flemin in the "Lost Caverns of Tsojcanth", one of the other players thought it was funny to have his horse bite the other members of the party. Finally the time came that the DM told me that I was the one being bit this time. Everyone else was laughing this time when I had Flemin punch the horse and killed it.

zergrusheddie
04-18-2008, 02:49 AM
This was a very stupid thing done by a very veteran player…
This town was complaining about this strange creature at this old house. The house collapsed and the exposed basement had flooded and some creature was now living there. The party approached and one of them spotted a long, red, tentacle-like object.

Well, Nim shouted “Kraken!” and ran away in a cloud of urine. Vicho, the fighter, jumped into the basement and killed the giant frog in 2 rounds.

They still call him Nim the P*** Dwarf.:laugh:

The Wandering Bard
04-19-2008, 04:22 PM
This was many years back .. Had a young couple (Mike & Joy) join the group ,very new players.

They both playing elf rangers..

DM.. "Mike ,you have fallen into the sandtrap."
Mike rolls and with no success begins to thrash about
Mike.. "honey would you mind tossing me a rope?"
Joy.. thinks about it a few seconds then asks the DM"we get expierence for killing things right?"
DM.. "generally speaking yes."
Joy.. "ok i pull out my bow and shoot him."
She procedes to roll "Did I hit?"

Everone at the table just kinda look shocked.
Mke.. "Did you just shoot me??"
I couldnt help but crack up ,and it went downhill from there..


Holy Crap!!! now thats Priceless :)

so I was playing a D&D with some friends and we found a chest full of vials...each vial held a small amount of liquid, we also managed to discover some small trinkets, Necklaces and such. the mage in our party used his spells to ID the jewlrey and not the potions. in his hurry and greed, Danketh Ten-forge (our Dwarven Monk a strange profession for a dwarf :) ) decided to sample some of the potions. the first potion he drank was an invisiblity potion. the second potion was a potion of flame weapon....needless to say the party awoke to see a head melting away from the flames that burst from the dwarfs mouth and his flaming beard......the DM ruled that the potion would cause damage to the drinker and with the invisablity spell all we could see was a flaming...melting head. no one passed their will save and the rest of our party ran screaming down the tunnels back towards the entrance, no one bothering to aid the head that was kept following us and screaming. (how the crap were we to know it was our dwarf ;) )

Fooliobass
05-24-2008, 10:00 AM
First session with a few vets who hadn't played in 10 years, and a few gamers, but were noobs to table top RPGs. First outing to the goblin fort (original i know) while deciding how to get through the gate the 1st lvl half elf fighter runs to the gate and announces hes going to "pretend" to be a door to door sales man. DM asks ok what are you selling? ... uhhhh, looking through pack..... i got a crow bar... ok "I am a crow bar sales man" DM follows up by asking whats your disguise check, looks it up and the DM rolls the check on the board... lands 1 up.... fail. player announces I wasnt disguised... ok, so half elf fighter walks up to a gate with goblins on the other side with a crow bar in hand... 8 spears come over the wall.

Schmall
05-28-2008, 04:04 PM
Two funny things happened in my experince as DM.

1)Group of 5 players with a mix of vets RPG players (including D&D) and some true noobs who where talked into playing. So I throw this reallllllyyy easy dungeon at them. All they had to do was find the funky green light in the desert, go down into a buried tower, fight a a hand full of skeletons. Okay a large hand full of them, but they had a cleric to turn a few, and then stop the evil well from spewing the posionous gas that was hurting the party everytime one failed his/her saving throw. The damage got worse as they went down. Wellllll, lets say that the mage lost his familiar due to the gas (OUCH), the elven fighter died cuz the party decided to rest in nasty gas rather than go out side, and then, and THEN got the nerve I was trying to kill them!!

2)Intead of hiding in the rope trick, the fighter decides he can single handly take on the giants with his giant slayering bastard sword with his girdle of fire giant strength (AD&D). Well, he fumbled, weapon lands on the otherside of the giants, and then from behind him the thief announces (keep in mind they are all in a small room for this kind of battle against 4 hill giants standing shoulder to should in a ring around the fighter) "I blast them with my 6d6 fireball from my sword!!" "NOOO" screams the player now being pummeled by giants. I made the thief roll the dice and the fighter failed his save, the leather straps on the fighter's armor failed, his pack full of gold failed thus melting into his back, pack burst into flames, and the giants all saved (those not back to that is). Some how, the character actually survived (mostly because the cleric rushed over to heal with a cure serious, but but is now retired with gold still grafted to his back!

tesral
05-28-2008, 04:41 PM
"Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain" --Friedrich von Schiller

zergrusheddie
06-01-2008, 06:41 AM
I was running my first campaign. The party had to go investigate this anciet house. The staircase heading up to the big nasty guy was trapped. The 3rd step would break your ankle and hobble you for 2 days {magical damage}. The 9th stair, to punish the rogue for being stupid, would sever your leg with no save. The only way to go around it was to jump over the stairs. Well, the rogue walked through it, lost a leg. The fighter, in full plate and a heavy shield with no points in jump managed to get a total of -8, so his leg hit the floor as well.

2 hours later, just finished a huge fight and the house is about to collapse. The entire party, still in a conga line formation, rushed to get outside as fast as possible. I made each person roll against their Intellect to see if they were actually smart enough to remember the leg chopper...

Needless to say, of the six adventurers, 3 of them hopped over to the temple with their leg in hand while the legless Rogue and Fighter were being dragged by the hobbled Wizard.

The Wizard suggested that they should get a discount for regenerates because, "We are willing to buy in bulk!":lol:

4 of the players still havn't spoken to me :D

agoraderek
06-01-2008, 08:29 PM
I was running my first campaign. The party had to go investigate this anciet house. The staircase heading up to the big nasty guy was trapped. The 3rd step would break your ankle and hobble you for 2 days {magical damage}. The 9th stair, to punish the rogue for being stupid, would sever your leg with no save. The only way to go around it was to jump over the stairs. Well, the rogue walked through it, lost a leg. The fighter, in full plate and a heavy shield with no points in jump managed to get a total of -8, so his leg hit the floor as well.

2 hours later, just finished a huge fight and the house is about to collapse. The entire party, still in a conga line formation, rushed to get outside as fast as possible. I made each person roll against their Intellect to see if they were actually smart enough to remember the leg chopper...

Needless to say, of the six adventurers, 3 of them hopped over to the temple with their leg in hand while the legless Rogue and Fighter were being dragged by the hobbled Wizard.

The Wizard suggested that they should get a discount for regenerates because, "We are willing to buy in bulk!":lol:

4 of the players still havn't spoken to me :D

wow, that's rough. what was the fighter thinking, i wonder??:confused:

tesral
06-01-2008, 11:30 PM
wow, that's rough. what was the fighter thinking, i wonder??:confused:

Horrible situation, he didn't have a leg to stand on.

victim666
06-03-2008, 11:39 AM
The dumbest thing I heard a player say to a Dm while traveling through a trap infested wizard keep is "Dude I cant believe your wearing that stupid Sting shirt.":lol:

tesral
06-03-2008, 05:11 PM
The dumbest thing I heard a player say to a Dm while traveling through a trap infested wizard keep is "Dude I cant believe your wearing that stupid Sting shirt.":lol:

In character?

victim666
06-04-2008, 07:37 AM
In character?

No that was to the DM personally.

But that character didnt escape the dungeon alive.:)

tesral
06-04-2008, 10:42 AM
No that was to the DM personally.

But that character didnt escape the dungeon alive.:)

I would hope the two were not related.

Vulture
06-05-2008, 08:46 AM
in a game i was dming, my players were trapped in a wine cellar. in stead of joining the other to look for a way out, the parties dwarf fighter lit an arrow on fire and launched it into a barrel of wine, the prblem was that he was standing right next to said barrel and was caught in the explosian.

tesral
06-05-2008, 09:51 AM
in a game i was dming, my players were trapped in a wine cellar. in stead of joining the other to look for a way out, the parties dwarf fighter lit an arrow on fire and launched it into a barrel of wine, the prblem was that he was standing right next to said barrel and was caught in the explosian.

Blink --- Wine will put out a fire. It's not that alcoholic.

mrken
06-05-2008, 11:46 AM
But it burns nicely. Dwarf would make a nice wick floating around in a room full of wine. lol

upidstay
06-06-2008, 05:35 AM
Wine won't burn or explode. I used wine to put out a burning towel some dummy laid across a hot stove burner. It was a gas stove, it was on too. Both the towel fire and the gas fire were extinguished. 80 Proof (40%) vodka won't burn either.

tesral
06-06-2008, 06:07 AM
Wine won't burn or explode. I used wine to put out a burning towel some dummy laid across a hot stove burner. It was a gas stove, it was on too. Both the towel fire and the gas fire were extinguished. 80 Proof (40%) vodka won't burn either.

You can get vodka to support a flame. But it's the vapors that are flammable not the liquid.

mrken
06-08-2008, 01:16 AM
Wine will burn. Go to a French restaurant and order something flambeau.:flame: It will have wine in it and be lit on fire, generally right in front of you.

agoraderek
06-08-2008, 01:23 AM
Wine will burn. Go to a French restaurant and order something flambeau.:flame: It will have wine in it and be lit on fire, generally right in front of you.

i was a fine dining waiter for a few years (mansion at turtle creek, four seasons in las colinas). flambeau uses brandy, not wine. granted, brandy is distilled from wine, but, generally speaking, distilled spirits will flame, fermented spirits wont (alcohol content is too low). easy experiment. pour a glass of wine. apply flame. pour a shot glass of brandy, apply flame. the fumes above the brandy will ignite, the wine will not.

nijineko
06-08-2008, 04:07 PM
so you mean all those molotiv cocktails won't work? ^^ pity the poor dungeoneers.

agoraderek
06-08-2008, 11:22 PM
so you mean all those molotiv cocktails won't work? ^^ pity the poor dungeoneers.

oh, they'll work, just use moonshine, not merlot ;)

mrken
06-09-2008, 12:15 PM
i was a fine dining waiter for a few years (mansion at turtle creek, four seasons in las colinas). flambeau uses brandy, not wine. granted, brandy is distilled from wine, but, generally speaking, distilled spirits will flame, fermented spirits wont (alcohol content is too low). easy experiment. pour a glass of wine. apply flame. pour a shot glass of brandy, apply flame. the fumes above the brandy will ignite, the wine will not.


Once again I find myself wrong. Don't know if I will ever find myself in possession of perfect knowledge of everything. But I am working on it. :flypig:

spotlight
06-09-2008, 06:08 PM
OoooKaaay. Must have been a barrel of oil that dwarf shoot at ... I mean, after all, fine olive oil has to be kept in much the same climate.

Just a slight defence for the lowly GM there, folks.

agoraderek
06-09-2008, 06:59 PM
OoooKaaay. Must have been a barrel of oil that dwarf shoot at ... I mean, after all, fine olive oil has to be kept in much the same climate.

Just a slight defence for the lowly GM there, folks.

hey, if it drives the story, it doesnt matter what was in the barrel. it could have been full of marshmallow fluff, if it was supposed to blow up when hit with flame, it blew up :D

Schmall
06-10-2008, 01:37 PM
Just yesterday I was playing a gnome fighter/cleric who has serious little guy syndrome. I was captured against my will and tied to a chair. Well, the big mean minatour forgot to tie my feet. Rocked the chair so I could stand on my feet. I then charged at the minatour when he came into the room. It was pretty funny when the DM made roll a check for it and I fumbled with a natural 1. The group couldnt stop laughing for a solid 3 minutes. Lets just say my gnomes pride was pretty hurt.

spotlight
06-10-2008, 05:22 PM
Ha, Ha, Ha, I can imagine it even now. A gnome trying to run with his arse tied to a minataur sized chair.

Engar
06-13-2008, 10:24 AM
A paladin was placed on a simple one-off mission to guard the items and son of the now deceased master of his order for the journey to his next of kin. The incredibly prestigious assignment consisted of protecting a young boy and a long, iron-shod wooden box until they arrive at an address later that day. Needless to say this I did not expect...

"I want to know what is in the box."

"As a paladin your character is tasked to protect the boy and his items, not rifle through them."

"I open the box."

"I see, well the box is locked. There is no apparent mechanism, the means are unclear. The box does radiate benevolence."

"I break open the box."

"What? You are tasked to protect it!"

"I want to know what is in the box."

"Alright... well, it is not that easy, the iron shodding is strong and the box is of strong design." (strength check) "Simple attempts to open the box fail."

"Where is the kid?"

"He is right nearby and showing a bit of shock; although, he is young and generally trusts you."

"I ask him what is in the box."

"Uh, okay, he tells you he did not pack his dead fathers belongings. He knows only that the box was carefully placed in your care by the order itself to be delivered to his uncle."

"He must know what is in the box."

"He shows no signs of deception."

"I tell him to open the box."

"He shakes his head, he does not know how to open the box either and is a little bit scared of you."

"I grab him."

"Huh? Okay, he screams in panic."

"TELL ME HOW TO OPEN THE BOX!"

"I don't know. I don't know!"

"I draw my dagger."

"What!? Okay, you get your wish. The box is open. Lunging from it are the two intelligent holy avengers the boys father was famous for dual-wielding and they leap to life in defense of the boy." (Note that the player was a dual-wielder always dreaming of that very style and was mid teens in level).

"That's crap."

"Uh-huh, so is your alignment."

"I get on my horse and draw my weapons."

"Uh, okay, the swords stand in defense of the boy."

"I charge down the street and stand on the saddle." (rolls)

"Surprising success, you are galloping down the street standing on the saddle, swords drawn, all retreat in front of you."

"I leap off the horse, set the swords in front of me and plunge them into my chest as I strike the ground."

"Hmmm. Okay. Death comes quick."

"That was crap, I quit."

"That is probably for the best."

Shadow Dweller
06-13-2008, 11:55 AM
Wow...talk about unhappy player. I take it the swords were to be his reward for delivering the boy as ordered by his order?

Valdar
06-13-2008, 12:43 PM
"I draw my dagger."


That's the point that I'd have yanked his Paladin abilities. Intimidating innocent kids with the intent of grave-robbing his dead father sounds like Featless Fighter material to me.

Engar
06-13-2008, 01:23 PM
It was a long, long time ago. I think we were sixteen or seventeen. But trust me, the story of the "suicidal surfing paladin" lives on in infamy. No need to remove his abilities, the situation turned out to be self-correcting. The swords eventually may have been his down the road (just not the road he travelled, lol).

Engar
06-13-2008, 05:01 PM
As a player I had a high level gnome illusionist/thief that was very ugly. During some much needed downtime just walking about town, the DM sicked a half dozen children on him throwing rocks and calling him names. The dwarf fighter happened to be with him. In retaliation my gnome summoned a low level illusion of snakes to frighten off the children. The dwarf, believing the illusion and fearing for the children takes a swing at my character. House rule had us reroll 20's (3 in a row was an instant kill). Guess what happened.

Valdar
06-13-2008, 06:33 PM
It was a long, long time ago. I think we were sixteen or seventeen. But trust me, the story of the "suicidal surfing paladin" lives on in infamy. No need to remove his abilities, the situation turned out to be self-correcting. The swords eventually may have been his down the road (just not the road he travelled, lol).

Yah. I had a similar issue with Paladin charas when I was about that age... The party paid for "a room and breakfast" at the local inn. Orcs came in the night and looted and burned said inn. In the morning, the Paladin found the (ruined) innkeeper and demanded his breakfast, and pointed to "Lawful" on his character sheet when I called him on it.

Danathor
06-14-2008, 09:26 AM
Here is my first post, but you know what these are too good not to share.

We are in the inn and some old woman says she needs our help her granddaughter is kidnapped or some such nonsense. To which our fighter responds "Don't worry I will save here! *I plunge into the darkness.... wait.... is it dark outside?*"

The elf priest all in leather walks up to the ogre to engage in melee combat (only wearing leather and sporting a staff).
Player 1: You are going to get crushed what are you doing?
Player 2: I don't care for my life. I only care for the lives of others

Attacking the last goblin in the room the fighter announces: "I only need a 9 to hit this guy." *rolls a 6*
We all laugh at his misfortune, but then he decides to make it worse.
"No way! that is a 9! The guy at the hobby shop told me the dot goes on the top!!!"

Valdar
06-14-2008, 11:26 AM
Here is my first post, but you know what these are too good not to share.

We are in the inn and some old woman says she needs our help her granddaughter is kidnapped or some such nonsense. To which our fighter responds "Don't worry I will save here! *I plunge into the darkness.... wait.... is it dark outside?*"

The elf priest all in leather walks up to the ogre to engage in melee combat (only wearing leather and sporting a staff).
Player 1: You are going to get crushed what are you doing?
Player 2: I don't care for my life. I only care for the lives of others

Attacking the last goblin in the room the fighter announces: "I only need a 9 to hit this guy." *rolls a 6*
We all laugh at his misfortune, but then he decides to make it worse.
"No way! that is a 9! The guy at the hobby shop told me the dot goes on the top!!!"

Awesome. A certain book calls that last one "the 69 method"...

And welcome!

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
06-24-2008, 02:23 AM
I dont know if this really qualifies but i have 2 players that just can help themselves and split from the party every encounter. We play weekly and they die about weekly and still havent figured it out... DONT SPLIT FROM THE PARTY!!! The other 4 players and the DM tolerate it mostly because we find in oddly amusing. Btw, we refer to them as Abbot and Costello and/or Laurel & Hardy. Brothers will be brothers, i guess.

Thoth-Amon

Oldgamer
06-24-2008, 07:35 AM
This is rather long to describe, but hilarious when it happened...

I was playing a Chaotic Neutral elven Dragon Shaman, about 4th level I think, and there was also a Drow Cleric of Lolth and a n00b half orc barbarian named Obha.

We entered an underground cavern that split left and right around a giant column, with stalactites and stalagmites jutting up and down creating an eerie environment. It was very dark, my character being the only one needing light had a torch, but it didn't extend all the way into either cavern.

Three Duergar were waiting just beyond the light, Obha could see them until one went invisible... we had just found a lot of alchemist fire and oil and Obha decided to start lobbing alchemist fire and oil into the stalactites, creating an environment of fire to kill the invisible one or at least narrow his route to one we could hit with missiles.

Well he made it impassable for anyone, he lobbed that many. So this n00b said to the DM, "I'm going to put on my waterskin and run through the flames... it should offer protection from the fire...."

Everyone at the table burst into laughter for about 15 minutes before regaining our composure as we pictured this 7'0" 350 lb half orc barbarian running through a fire with his waterskin on his head...:flame::laugh:

ryan973
06-24-2008, 08:01 AM
Oh god i has a bunch of these hum here is a few.

1. I had a player ask me once if he could play a half dragon, half celestial. I asked him wich was the base creature and he said human. I let hinm do it he was CR five with 15 hit points.

2. As a player i has a pseudodragon familiar. It was very useful and fun as the GM ran him for me. The whole party was constantly giving him rewards for doing things and more than a few magic items no one wanted and woul dnot fetch too high a price went to him. What i did not know is that the GM kept complete track of my familiars inventory and after 11 levels when we decided we wanted to buy a keep for our party we scrambled to come up with the gold. After a bit of coerhsion we were able to get a look into the Pseudodragons little hourde room to see that it was filled with gold and gems. He lent us the money we needed at a very high interest and an apple pie a day till the loan was paid.

3. As a player,We plane shifted from forgotten realms to Dragonlance The GM beleaved it was to find a dragonlance for paladin and so the wizard could learn soem of the realm spacific spells of the settign and bring them back to the realms. The real reasone is that before hand we innocently transfered all of our money to paltinum to save on encumberance and when we arrived we transfered it to gold. Thing is Is Dragonlance gold is worth less than steel so we made a fortune. The Gms reply to this was of course to haev us run into a kender on the road. Imidiatly upan sighting the cute evil bastard we pull out reach weapons and ready spells the Gm said " Hey thats player knowledge you guys dont jknow what that thing is." We knew what was coming our bags of holding with the crap load of gold were goin to fall into a pouch or soemthing. We resighned ourselves to our fate and greeted the little guy. but the funny part was the paladin looking at the Gm and saying " i detect bullshit"

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
06-26-2008, 03:30 AM
I was in a party where two funny things were said by the same new player.

1st: "I hit the monster with my +3 Platemail."
2nd: "I drink my oil of invisibility."

Pretty funny at the time.

Thoth-Amon

tesral
06-26-2008, 10:46 AM
I was in a party where two funny things were said by the same new player.

1st: "I hit the monster with my +3 Platemail."
2nd: "I drink my oil of invisibility."

Pretty funny at the time.

Thoth-Amon


OoooooKAY! We have someone unclear on the concept.

Engar
06-26-2008, 11:23 AM
That reminds me of the killer gazebo story.

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
06-26-2008, 12:49 PM
A few of us were talking about an old article in Dragon called "Player say the darndest things (before you crush them)". Amongst them were "Hey, whose the chick with the spiders?"

I had a young kid tell me he could "conjure up" a +5 fully vorpal sword at will. I let him do it. It arrived in under a minute, along with the Githyanki war party who owned it.

Had a player leap off of a cliff, because he had enough HP to survive, and enough potions to heal up any damage. Unfortunately, his potions all failed their save (he didn't think of that) and were smashed on impact. The giant ants who ate him and his pack were veeeeerrrry healthy though.

One player really wanted to meet Storm Silverhand from the Realms, because he thought she had some cool magic items, and he was gonna kick her butt and take them. She got some new items that day. I think I still have the character sheet with her new toys listed.

And lastly, at a con, the young moron across from me told the female DM that girls were basically to stupid to fully understand the intricasies of the game. She had a good time with him.

Any good ones you've heard across the table?:D:D
I was DM'ing and new players will say the funniest things. But hey, he got points for enthusiam.

Thoth-Amon

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
06-26-2008, 12:53 PM
OoooooKAY! We have someone unclear on the concept.
I'm assuming you mean the player but find it odd your need point out the obvious. This thread is entitled "Dumbest thing a player ever said to you as a DM, is it not?

Thoth-Amon

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
06-26-2008, 01:30 PM
We did have numerous conflicts over ideals. He was a bit arrogant and spoiled. There was pretty much no area where we meshed. In my defense, I was young and believe every person has goodness in them somewhere.

When he came to the group, he showed us a character he played with his first DM (unbelievably his first DM was named Clay, but not one of the Clays I have ranted about before). It was a very high level warrior type who was a 'Strowian'. It was part storm giant, part drow, part pixie, and part human. His character was magically birthed with such parentage, but would breed true 'Strowians' with any of the parent races. He wanted to spread his master race by raping drow, which he explained was okay due to them being evil. (We probably should have thrown him to the curb immediately)

He also played a Cavalier, before the paladin, who tried to start a slavery ring with all their captures. When I informed him it was neither good nor lawful here, he threw a fit. He asserted, "Slavery is only seen as bad by ignorant modern people of a Western mindset. You are ruining this fantasy game with such liberal nonsense." I told him that the good country in which the players were located had outlawed slavery and regardless of his thoughts of good and evil, I was the DM.

Somehow, we continued playing with him for years. This may be more disturbing, but he quit playing D&D many years ago when he became a deacon at a local catholic church.
Amazing story. I've run into all types in my 30+ years of gaming, but never this.

Thanks for sharing,

Thoth-Amon

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
06-26-2008, 01:35 PM
You know, up to that point you did not have me that worried about this guy. Now I'm worried. He's still out there ... being.
I'm going to have to agree with tesral on this one. Hopefully now, he has seen the proverbial light.

Thoth-Amon

Webhead
06-26-2008, 02:48 PM
That reminds me of the killer gazebo story.

Love that story. True classic.

I have one (of many) hilariously stupid/goofy comments from one of our 2e D&D games. I wasn't the GM, but it was still a game full of craziness.

Our party consisting of 3 thieves (human, halfling and elf), a human fighter whose weapon of choice was a net, and a dwarf cleric that would dry-hump anything even remotely resembling female were all charmed by a vampire Priestess at one point. She needed us to gather a long list of spell components for some ritual that she needed to perform. She hands us the list and we begin reading it aloud. One of the components was a "red dragon scale", at which most of us whinced and began to ponder our horrible, horrible deaths. One of the players got a look on his face as if he'd had a revelation of some significant sort and turned to the DM:

Player: "Wait a minute, this might not be so bad! There are baby dragons right?"

DM: "You mean hatchlings? Yeah...they're still nasty!"

Player: "No...I mean the dumb ones with no eyes!"

I don't think he was being entirely serious, but we laughed for about 10 minutes after that...that is, until we came upon the next "component" on the list. :lol:

ryan973
06-26-2008, 02:58 PM
That reminds me of the killer gazebo story.


I WASTE IT WITH MY CROSSBOW!!!!

agoraderek
06-26-2008, 03:05 PM
here's a link to the original published story: http://www.geocities.com/rpgsig/articles/gazebo.html

Oldgamer
06-27-2008, 08:20 AM
A few of us were talking about an old article in Dragon called "Player say the darndest things (before you crush them)". Amongst them were "Hey, whose the chick with the spiders?"

I had a young kid tell me he could "conjure up" a +5 fully vorpal sword at will. I let him do it. It arrived in under a minute, along with the Githyanki war party who owned it.

Had a player leap off of a cliff, because he had enough HP to survive, and enough potions to heal up any damage. Unfortunately, his potions all failed their save (he didn't think of that) and were smashed on impact. The giant ants who ate him and his pack were veeeeerrrry healthy though.

One player really wanted to meet Storm Silverhand from the Realms, because he thought she had some cool magic items, and he was gonna kick her butt and take them. She got some new items that day. I think I still have the character sheet with her new toys listed.

And lastly, at a con, the young moron across from me told the female DM that girls were basically to stupid to fully understand the intricasies of the game. She had a good time with him.

Any good ones you've heard across the table?:D:D


You were the DM who taught me to word Wish spells with care... I know you...:twitch: I learned very early on to be careful what you wish for, I would write my wish out on paper and recite it to myself a few times in review before reading it to my DM :D

dentarthur
06-27-2008, 09:23 AM
Player: "Wait a minute, this might not be so bad! There are baby dragons right?"

DM: "You mean hatchlings? Yeah...they're still nasty!"

Player: "No...I mean the dumb ones with no eyes!"
I'm missing something here. Dragons with no eyes?

boulet
06-27-2008, 09:31 AM
Yeah you may find blind baby dragons in the castle of Aaaaaaargh...

Webhead
06-27-2008, 10:34 AM
I'm missing something here. Dragons with no eyes?

It basically came down to the party saying, "How the heck are we gonna get a red dragon scale?", and the player in question said, "Let's just look for a blind, stupid, baby red dragon". :)

upidstay
06-28-2008, 07:47 AM
You were the DM who taught me to word Wish spells with care... I know you...:twitch: I learned very early on to be careful what you wish for, I would write my wish out on paper and recite it to myself a few times in review before reading it to my DM :D


:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Yes, I always LOVED Wish spells. Rule #1 is "Be careful what you wish for, because you'll DEFINITELY get it". I ran a party against a Terrasque, back in 2e. The only way to completely kill it was to use a Wish spell. They wished it was dead. Massive earthquake started, huge fissure with lava at the bottom opened up, swallowed up the critter and most of the party. I gave them a re-do until they worded it properly. Game session was over anyway, so one of them spent the better part of two weeks and 4 drafts wording his wish spell. It was a full legal pad page long.
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

notrealdan
06-28-2008, 10:25 AM
I have a guy in one of my groups that ALWAYS tries to take 20, even regular attacks!

Valdar
06-28-2008, 11:45 AM
I think my all-time favorite stupid playerism is when you've put in a few dozen hours designing a game, and a player whines that they don't have time to create a backstory or personality for their _one_ character.

Webhead
06-28-2008, 01:20 PM
I have a guy in one of my groups that ALWAYS tries to take 20, even regular attacks!

Oh, I might just be willing to allow a player to do this. Of course it would take 20 times as long just like the normal rules for taking "20", so the character will be spending 20 rounds lining up his attack...by then the rest of the party will have mopped up and will be ready to move on. ;)

tesral
06-28-2008, 02:24 PM
Oh, I might just be willing to allow a player to do this. Of course it would take 20 times as long just like the normal rules for taking "20", so the character will be spending 20 rounds lining up his attack...by then the rest of the party will have mopped up and will be ready to move on. ;)

Never mind giving his opponent 20 rounds to mop him up.

Webhead
06-28-2008, 03:13 PM
Never mind giving his opponent 20 rounds to mop him up.

Exactly! :cool:

nijineko
06-28-2008, 03:14 PM
does the player have to make a concentration check to continue his action when he takes damage? ^^

Arch Lich Thoth-Amon
06-29-2008, 01:35 AM
I love that you still keep the two adventurers down there with their items that could have saved them. I remember another DM posted on here not to long ago and said when adventurers die in a location he leaves their bodies there for other groups, at a much later date, to find and pillage. Good stuff :D
We've been implementing this for years. We also keep all dead characters to put into the module for future playing.

Thoth-Amon