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Moritz
08-20-2007, 05:16 PM
Seeing the "Ask the Wizards"/Sage over and over, I figured we could have a section in the fantasy department called, "Ask Mo." or "Ask the Moderator". And since I'm the moderator of Fantasy, I figure, why not?
So, I'll get started.

Our first question comes from Little Timmy from Topeka:

Q: Dear Mo, why do they call the group of adventurers, "a party"?

A: Because Timmy, it's the only party a gamer geek will ever be invited to. :eek:

PhishStyx
08-20-2007, 05:18 PM
Where is my tv remote?

Moritz
08-20-2007, 05:20 PM
Q:
Where is my tv remote?

A: It's behind your dryer having a good ole time with the lost socks.

spotlight
08-20-2007, 05:25 PM
Q. Why do boxers (under wear, not fighters) so like lost socks?

A. They're like punches, they are missed.

Farcaster
08-20-2007, 05:46 PM
Q. Why do boxers (under wear, not fighters) so like lost socks?

A. They're like punches, they are missed.

* Farcaster shakes his head in confusion *

starfalconkd
08-20-2007, 06:31 PM
Do a fighter, a wizard, a cleric, and a rogue really make the best party?

PhishStyx
08-20-2007, 07:16 PM
* Farcaster shakes his head in confusion *



I'm pretty sure the intended question is "does my riddle make sense?"

Luckily, I don't have to answer it.

Grimwell
08-21-2007, 12:27 AM
Dear Mo: How do I convince the barbarians to bathe more often?

fmitchell
08-21-2007, 01:29 AM
Is it fair for a DM to unleash two dozen Mind Flayers against his players just because he personally wants to suck their brains out with a straw?

Moritz
08-21-2007, 09:28 AM
Q:
Do a fighter, a wizard, a cleric, and a rogue really make the best party?

A: Absolutely. And they taste best with grease gravy. According to the Red Dragon Zahgahgagzzauahwagah wa.

Moritz
08-21-2007, 09:29 AM
Q:
Dear Mo: How do I convince the barbarians to bathe more often?

A: Let the barbarian know that the Ogre Maidens are looking at him as a potential love interest.

Moritz
08-21-2007, 09:32 AM
Q:
Is it fair for a DM to unleash two dozen Mind Flayers against his players just because he personally wants to suck their brains out with a straw?

A: Remember, the DM is always right. Therefore, if the players are faced with mind flayers then it was by their own choice to approach them and therefore get their brains sucked out by a straw. Now, in retrospect, if the DM sets a specific trap utilizing the mind flayers against the party, then of course there is a significant and amazing storyline going on here. The players should just go with the flow and see with amazement how the DM is unfolding such a miraculous tapestry of legend.

InfoStorm
08-21-2007, 02:02 PM
(I know the answer to this, and I'll be amazed if anyone else know, or Mortiz can come up with a good punchline instead)

In what way did the product line of "The Hollow World" setting contradict previously published materials?

Moritz
08-21-2007, 02:14 PM
Q:
In what way did the product line of "The Hollow World" setting contradict previously published materials?

A: The Hollow World contradicted the standard fantasy setting by detailing a role playing game experience within the modern world based on "The Life and Times of Heidi Fleiss".

_____________

InfoStorm

Please, share the actual answer.

Moritz

Grimwell
08-22-2007, 12:46 AM
Mo,

Will Wizards of the Coast really confiscate all my prior edition books after 4E releases?

Moritz
08-22-2007, 07:33 AM
Q:
Mo,
Will Wizards of the Coast really confiscate all my prior edition books after 4E releases?


A: No. WotC implanted a secret immolation device within the spine of each D&D 3.0 and 3.5 book that will cause the book to self destruct 3 days prior to the release of 4.0. Subsequently, one year later, all of the 4.0 books will also self destruct 3 days prior to the release of 4.5.

PhishStyx
08-22-2007, 11:12 AM
Mo,

If I dipped several sticks of dynamite in a boiling deep fat fryer vat, what would happen?

Moritz
08-22-2007, 02:00 PM
Q:
Mo,

If I dipped several sticks of dynamite in a boiling deep fat fryer vat, what would happen?

A:

A letter from the Department of Homeland Security:

To the Parents of Phishy,

In our greatest effort to safeguard the liberty and freedoms of the United States of America, we have apprehended your son and charged him with conspiracy and treason against the US government and its' people. He was apprehended while in possession of a controlled explosive device that he had conspired to detonate within the fat fryers of McDonalds and thus destroy the Red Blooded American way of life. Had he been successful in this plot, he would have prevented several school children from establishing poor dietary habits that would have remained with them throughout their lives which would have ultimately led to obesity and coronary conditions. We must safeguard this American way of life at all costs.

Now you and your neighborhood may rest peacefully.

Sincerely

George W Bush

InfoStorm
08-22-2007, 02:34 PM
Q:
How long before the REAL Department of Homeland Security comes after you?

Moritz
08-22-2007, 02:43 PM
Q:
Q:
How long before the REAL Department of Homeland Security comes after you?


A: The REAL answer to that varies. Try this. Do a search for 'explosive devices for sale' on the internet and subsequently try to purchase one. And start your stop watch. They should be knocking on your door within a few hours.

PS: If you're looking for WMD's. They'll never be found.

InfoStorm
08-23-2007, 10:15 AM
Q:
If a treant falls in the forest with no one around, does it make a sound?

Moritz
08-23-2007, 11:00 AM
Q:
If a treant falls in the forest with no one around, does it make a sound?

A: Absolutely. And there's much profanity coming from it's mouth. Especially when it breaks a root.

Grimwell
08-23-2007, 11:55 PM
Q:
Where did you learn all the answers?

PhishStyx
08-24-2007, 12:30 AM
Do you construct the answers to these questions each day, using precise planetary positions, a custom-made analog computer, and ancient Norwegian meditation techniques or just mostly spin a carrot, like the Humorscope (http://www.humorscope.com/) guy, to get these things?

starfalconkd
08-24-2007, 06:58 AM
Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

Moritz
08-24-2007, 07:49 AM
Q:
Where did you learn all the answers?

A: I'm the DM. Remember the rules:

#1: The DM is always right.
#2: Any questions, see rule #1.

Moritz
08-24-2007, 07:54 AM
Q: Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

A: Many would say it is a marketing ploy to get you to buy more buns. However, the truth of the matter is, it's a secret canine plot.

You see, the world is covertly run by the dogs of the world. The painting of dogs playing pool and dogs playing cards is an actual photograph reproduction that the dogs would have us believe is just 'artwork' when in fact it is real.

So, the reason there are 10 hotdogs in a package serves two purposes. The first is to ensure that the family dog will get a few bites of the delicious meal, and the second is to subconsciously suggest to humans that dogs are the true masters with a 10:8 ratio.

Moritz
08-24-2007, 07:55 AM
Q: Do you construct the answers to these questions each day, using precise planetary positions, a custom-made analog computer, and ancient Norwegian meditation techniques or just mostly spin a carrot, like the Humorscope (http://www.humorscope.com/) guy, to get these things?

A: No, my Doberman whispers it in my ear.

InfoStorm
08-27-2007, 11:11 AM
Q:
What happened to the family cat?

Moritz
08-27-2007, 11:19 AM
Q:
What happened to the family cat?

A: Dude, we promised never to speak of this incident ever again.

Farcaster
08-27-2007, 05:02 PM
Q: How many products would WotC chuck, if WotC could chuck products?

rabkala
08-27-2007, 06:09 PM
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The PENANDPAPERGAMES.COM, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus? And if so, why hasn't that son of a ***** given my character anything in years?

Moritz
08-28-2007, 11:10 AM
Q: How many products would WotC chuck, if WotC could chuck products?

A: WotC only chucks products that do not sell. They are a business, and if they cannot move a product then that product line will be discontinued.

In other news, the price of oil is up and WotC has come out with the new Version 4.0 oil that will be seen on your neighborhood oil distributor's shelves. Remember, kids, Version 3.5 oil is no longer valid and useless. It will not work for your every day oil needs. You NEED the Version 4.0 oil.

Coming soon, New and Improved 4.5 Oil!

Moritz
08-28-2007, 11:14 AM
Q: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The PENANDPAPERGAMES.COM, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus? And if so, why hasn't that son of a ***** given my character anything in years?


A: Dear Little Rabkala.

Santa lives and he is coming next year with new 4.0ed Books that your parents must buy for you. These books will make up for all the prior mistakes WotC (er, I mean Santa) made in the past. So, when you tell your parents what you want for xmas, be sure to tell them "4.0 or nothing". Santa will surely twist your DM's arm (only if you make him buy the 4.0 also) to give you massive treasure for your characters. Monty Hall would be proud.

InfoStorm
08-28-2007, 04:26 PM
Q:
What is the largest number of orcs a party of 6 1st-level characters sould face and still have a chance at winning the fight?

Moritz
08-28-2007, 05:38 PM
Q:
What is the largest number of orcs a party of 6 1st-level characters sould face and still have a chance at winning the fight?

A: Ah, finally a question I can sink my teeth into. Orcs are a tricky bunch. They're seemingly frail to the standard first level. However, those battle axes of theirs leave a mark (what was it, 2d12?) I'd suggest pitting a maximum of 4 orcs against your standard balanced party. And hope your players don't blow their rolls.

Now, if your party is smart, you can pit them against any number of orcs and expect them to win. If they set traps, use the terrain to their advantage, etc. But most players ... well, forgive me for saying this, are just really not the sharpest tools in the shed. They often rush in without a plan, go toe to toe with superior foes and expect the DM to bail them out. And if the DM doesn't bring about the grace of the gods upon them, they blame him for pitting them against a superior foe. (Yes, I can hear my "sam" whining in the background of my PTSD memories.)

rabkala
08-28-2007, 05:52 PM
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
What does my dream-self know that "I" don't?
What is happening to me?
What comes next for me?
What is the source and meaning of my
restlessness and dissatisfaction?
What do I really desire?

rabkala
08-28-2007, 05:55 PM
* Farcaster shakes his head in confusion *


Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
only 900 to go
Spotlight likes pie!
Spotlight likes pie!
...

PhishStyx
08-28-2007, 07:02 PM
Dear Mo, Are we going to have to turn off Rabkala's forum access? :D

Moritz
08-28-2007, 07:22 PM
Dear Mo, Are we going to have to turn off Rabkala's forum access? :D

A: The Magic 8 Mo reveals, "My sources say yes."

Grimwell
08-28-2007, 10:42 PM
Dear Mo,
Dragons - I've always thought they were something to be used to terrorize your party and barely survive. Back in the old days players turned white with fear at the mention of dragons... in 3.0 dragons became more squishy. This was bad. Will 4.0 fix it?

Moritz
08-29-2007, 08:09 AM
Dear Mo,
Dragons - I've always thought they were something to be used to terrorize your party and barely survive. Back in the old days players turned white with fear at the mention of dragons... in 3.0 dragons became more squishy. This was bad. Will 4.0 fix it?

A: Grimwell - The Magic 8 Mo reveals, "Highly unlikely". Edition 4.0 is designed to streamline game play and give the players a means to grind/camp for spawns/xp. It is my belief that things will become even more nerfed in 4.0. Just as you described; From D&D to AD&D to 2.0 to 3.0, Dragons became less effective and the party slowly turned into an unstoppable killing machine. Now, if you're interested in amping up your dragons vs party, just pick the dragon age that is 2 CR's above your normal party CR and utilize the dragon's intelligence as well as have the dragon buffed up when they arrive. That'll put the party in their place.

PhishStyx
08-29-2007, 03:34 PM
What should we get Farcaster for his birthday?

Moritz
08-29-2007, 04:21 PM
What should we get Farcaster for his birthday?

A: Therapy, he needs it after dealing with us.

InfoStorm
08-30-2007, 01:30 PM
Q:
Are there ay subjects you do not know the answers to?

PhishStyx
08-30-2007, 01:59 PM
If you answer a question with a question and then we try to answer that question with another question and then you answer that question with another question and then we try to answer that question with another question and then you answer that question with another question and so on, is that like having two mirrors reflecting opposite each other and trying to figure out how deep they go?

Moritz
08-30-2007, 04:23 PM
Q:
Are there ay subjects you do not know the answers to?

A: The Mighty 8 Mo knows all! MUhaha hahahaahaha ahaahahaha

Moritz
08-30-2007, 04:30 PM
If you answer a question with a question and then we try to answer that question with another question and then you answer that question with another question and then we try to answer that question with another question and then you answer that question with another question and so on, is that like having two mirrors reflecting opposite each other and trying to figure out how deep they go?

A: I once lived in a house with mirrors on the backs of cabinets which when opened would face one another. I could stick my head in there and bring the mirrors close to see the reflection within a reflection (and so on). It curved away because I could not get direct line of sight because my head was in the way. However, I never was able to actually count them, but it was really cool.

So, what was the question?

Digital Arcanist
08-31-2007, 03:49 PM
My hotdogs come in packs of 8.....what does that mean for canine domination?

rabkala
09-02-2007, 10:01 PM
My hotdogs come in packs of 8.....what does that mean for canine domination?

It means your dog is sick of those cheap chicken wieners you buy and insisted on the 8 pack.



Here is a good question:
Why have the D&D boards gone so quiet of late, are the WoTC gestapo crushing dissenters under their jack booted heals?

Moritz
09-04-2007, 10:47 AM
Q: Why have the D&D boards gone so quiet of late, are the WoTC gestapo crushing dissenters under their jack booted heals?

A: I would imagine that moderators of their boards, if given orders from the high command, would use gestapo tactics and remove posts that were not in alignment with their new pro 4.0 propaganda.

I will note here, I still do not intend to purchase 4.0. However, I will say that if WotC does what it says and continues to put out 3.5 supplements and give support to what they consider an 'outdated' and 'broken' system, then they are just the corporate money making machine that many of us consider them to be. They appear to me more and more like Windows/Bill Gates with each movement they perform.

However, this is not a bad thing. They are providing a source of entertainment for many of us. Just like Windows, Video/console/PC games, and Disney. They have the item we want, they know it, and they know we will pay for it. And we all know, Bill Gates puts out broken products (X-Box, Windows, etc). It's just a matter of another version, another service pack release, updates, etc. All to make more money. But that is the nature of the beast.

InfoStorm
09-06-2007, 09:22 AM
What are the answers when there are no new questions?

Moritz
09-06-2007, 10:47 AM
Q: What are the answers when there are no new questions?

A: There are just commercials.

New from Ronco, it slices, it dices, it carves the fender right off your car, it's the new, amazing, incredible, totally universal new BC6000 Knife!

Digital Arcanist
09-06-2007, 03:58 PM
Is it powered by the dreams of children and unicorn blood? If not, then my CutCo knives are still superior!:p

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it left the train station in Cleveland at 4:05 PM traveling 12 MPH west and Suzy left the sea shore with her seashells from Monterrey at 4:37 PM traveling east at 58 MPH?:confused: This is of course assuming a woodchuck could chuck wood!

Moritz
09-06-2007, 04:32 PM
Is it powered by the dreams of children and unicorn blood? If not, then my CutCo knives are still superior!:p

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it left the train station in Cleveland at 4:05 PM traveling 12 MPH west and Suzy left the sea shore with her seashells from Monterrey at 4:37 PM traveling east at 58 MPH?:confused: This is of course assuming a woodchuck could chuck wood!

A: Dude, and I thought I had too much time on my hands.

Quasna`el
09-12-2007, 06:09 AM
Dear Mo,

How do I create a truly original DnD character when so much is predetermined by class?

Moritz
09-12-2007, 07:47 AM
Q: Dear Mo, How do I create a truly original DnD character when so much is predetermined by class?

A: You have several options in this.

1) You can put yourself into the game like the D&D kids or like the Stats thread listed in the fantasy section. So basically, a stranger in a strange land. That would be originality at its best.

2) You can multi class and make some really useless and jacked up character. In D&D, everyone wants to have the best character, well, why not make the worst? That too is original.

3) Or, you can opt to play Fantasy Hero (HERO system) which is a classless game.

4) You can get a very lenient DM that will allow you to bring in a Super Heroic character so you can blast the monsters with your eye beams.

PhishStyx
09-12-2007, 08:24 AM
A: You have several options in this.

3) Or, you can opt to play Fantasy Hero (HERO system) which is a classless game.



Well, there are a lot more game systems than that, ya know. :)

Moritz
09-12-2007, 08:31 AM
Oh yeah, Earthdawn.

PhishStyx
09-12-2007, 08:46 AM
Don't MAKE me get out my Storm Constantine!! :D

Digital Arcanist
09-12-2007, 11:13 AM
I'm sorry, but as god-emperor of Dune I am now limiting the number of games to 3. They are as follows:

D&D 4.0
Hero System 5th edition
Tales of the Floating Vagabond

You are all hereby commanded to destroy all "subversive" gaming material not on the list and bang your heads against a concrete wall until you have purge all memory of said subversive material. This is for your own good!

Is it socially acceptable to run around in a home-made kilt throwing carved stones at people screaming "Lightning Bolt?" I am thinking of taking on an alternative lifestyle and I was wondering if this could be it.

Digital Arcanist
09-12-2007, 11:16 AM
Don't MAKE me get out my Storm Constantine!! :D

I'm picturing an Amazonian African woman careening through the skies chain-smoking with a glass of whiskey in one hand and reciting bad prose to control the weather....

I call dibs on that...I think it will be my never super hero!:D

PhishStyx
09-12-2007, 12:45 PM
You are all hereby commanded to destroy all "subversive" gaming material not on the list and bang your heads against a concrete wall until you have purge all memory of said subversive material. This is for your own good!


Was that the crackling sound of batwings flapping frozenly against porcine bellies above the horned head of Lucifer's minions that I just heard?

Digital Arcanist
09-12-2007, 05:00 PM
No....the dog has gas...

starfalconkd
09-13-2007, 08:21 AM
Is it socially acceptable to run around in a home-made kilt throwing carved stones at people screaming "Lightning Bolt?" I am thinking of taking on an alternative lifestyle and I was wondering if this could be it.

My first question would be: are you wearing underwear under that kilt? If the answer to that is no than this would be mildly socially unacceptable but a hell of a lot funnier. My second question is: how big are the "carved stones?"

InfoStorm
09-14-2007, 12:43 PM
Q: What does a Magic 8-Ball do on it's day off?

rabkala
10-13-2007, 07:13 PM
Q: What does a Magic 8-Ball do on it's day off?

Since Mo apparently doesn't know Didley, I will try to answer this one.
The magic 8-ball is always on call, hence it never truly gets a day off. When asked the question what it would do on a day off, it answers, "the future is unclear."

Moritz
10-15-2007, 08:10 AM
Yeah, sorry, I dropped the 'ball'. It broke, and I was on vacation. I'm back now so let the questions resume. Mo-Didley is back.

rabkala
10-16-2007, 05:27 PM
I thought you would say, "The Magic 8-ball plays pool in the magic pub with the rest of the magic billiard balls."

Okay, I desperately need to know which is worse; Pokemon , Yu-Gi-Oh, or Strawberry Shortcake?

Digital Arcanist
10-16-2007, 08:55 PM
I thought you would say, "The Magic 8-ball plays pool in the magic pub with the rest of the magic billiard balls."

Okay, I desperately need to know which is worse; Pokemon , Yu-Gi-Oh, or Strawberry Shortcake?


Each is the spawn of Satan....

Malruhn
10-16-2007, 09:08 PM
Actually, there is a distinct level of evil-tudiness in each. Pokemon has kids battling with enslaved monsters to attempt to gain rank. Yu-Gi-Oh has people of all ages (primarily kids, though), battle with conjured beings, items and effects to gain rank. Strawberry Shortcake is... just cute.

Obviously, Strawberry Shortcake is the most insidiously evil of them all, as we are unable to fathom the purpose behind their existence.

But Pokemon ranks a close second. Pi... ka.... CHOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!!!!11!!!one!!1eleventyone!!

PhishStyx
10-16-2007, 11:20 PM
Strawberry Shortcake is cute, but its "ebulness" pales in comparison to the grinding soul-numbing horror which is















Wait for it.










A little longer.












One more second.










THE CARE BEARS!!!

Digital Arcanist
10-16-2007, 11:25 PM
Care Bear Stare!!!!!!

Moritz
10-17-2007, 07:44 AM
Q: Okay, I desperately need to know which is worse; Pokemon , Yu-Gi-Oh, or Strawberry Shortcake?


A: Strawberry Shortcake. I saw her on a stripper pole once, she was hawt.

http://www.forwardedge.com/8411.jpg

or even better

http://www.cosplay.com/featured/cosplayer/may2004/

Riftwalker
10-17-2007, 08:17 AM
Don't forget the classic Penny Arcade rendition:

http://www.collarpurple.com/ARCHIVES/20040501/images/shortcake.jpg

Moritz
10-17-2007, 09:03 AM
Now that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Digital Arcanist
10-17-2007, 07:09 PM
I love American McGee's work....