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Sascha
08-01-2009, 12:12 PM
A cannibal attends a wedding and toasts the bride and groom.


A man walks into a bar in Kilkenny, Ireland, and asks the bartender, "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?"
"Are ye walkin' or drivin'?" says the bartender.
"I'm drivin'," answers the man.
"Well, that's the quickest way."


How does the blind parachutist know he's getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.


There's a new diet for guitar players, the Chet Atkins diet. You just pick at your food.

korhal23
08-01-2009, 12:28 PM
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

* Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.*


* Men keep reading *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!

Sascha
08-01-2009, 01:24 PM
A man walks up to a cowboy in a bar. "Are you a real cowboy," the man asks, looking at the cowboy hat.
"I sure am," replies the cowboy. "I ride around on a horse all day, herd cattle, sleep under the starts. I suppose I am a real cowboy."
The man leaves, impressed.

A few minutes later, a woman comes up to the cowboy. "Are you a real cowboy?" she asks.
"Yes'm," replies the cowboy. "All day I ride the range, tend the cattle, and sleep under the stars. I am a real cowboy. What about you?"
"I'm a lesbian," the woman answers. "I spend all day thinking about women. In the shower, I think about women. At breakfast, I think about women. I go to work, thinking about women."

Ten minutes later, another man walks up to the cowboy.
"Are you a real cowboy?"
"Ten minutes ago, I thought I was."

Tamburlain
08-01-2009, 10:32 PM
Once there was a little mountain man who moved onto a mountaintop plumb out in the middle of nowhere, just the way mountain men like it.

Not long after setting up camp, he espied another feller a comin' up the way and wavin' his arms. It was another little mountain man!

"Howdy there!" said the second mountain man to the first. "Nice mountain you gotcherself here. I seen you movin' in, and I came to welcome you proper to the neighborhood."

"Mighty kind of you," said the first mountain man, “Mighty kind.”

They shook hands, and the second little mountain man got a gleam in his eye. "Say," he said, "I'm havin' a little hoedown over at my own mountaintop tomorrow night. Why not stop by fer a spell?"

The first little mountain man scratched his chin. "I don't rightly know about parties. What'll it be like?"

"Lessee… there'll be a big ol' fire. Lots of vittles, and some banjo-playin'... You like to sing, doncha'?" But before the first little mountain man could answer, the second went on, "There'll be some drinking... and some dancing... lots a’ cussing… maybe some fist-fighting, yessir... I reckon even a little love-making.”

Hearing this last part, the first little mountain man's face lit up. “Well, pick my peas! Mister, I’d sure like to visit, but—“ here he stopped and looked down at his bare little mountain man feet. “Gosh damn, I don’t think I’ve got a proper stitch to wear, what with the courtin’ and all.”

The second mountain man spat and gave a reassuring smile. “There’s no call to get gussied up.”

“Really?! Well that sounds fine then, Mister,” the first little mountain man exclaimed with relief.

“Don't think on it one bit!” And with that the second little mountain man turned to tramp back home across the way. “After all, it’s just going t’be you and me.”

Sascha
08-02-2009, 02:29 AM
<snip mountain man joke>
Hehehe, version I heard was an American who moved to the Shetland Islands; funny joke, though ^_^

Tamburlain
08-02-2009, 09:47 AM
Hehehe, version I heard was an American who moved to the Shetland Islands; funny joke, though ^_^

Haha! That's perfect. Hillbillies are hillbillies, anywhere you go. I easily can imagine the sound of a thick rural Scottish brogue delivering the punch.

I wonder if there is a deserted Greek island version...

"Hello! I am Kalibanos! I bring for you a goat, my friend!"

Aha, I just reminded myself of Raul Julia's over-sexed character in The Tempest. Funny movie.

Sascha
08-02-2009, 10:49 AM
Haha! That's perfect. Hillbillies are hillbillies, anywhere you go. I easily can imagine the sound of a thick rural Scottish brogue delivering the punch.
What made it funnier was the American accent of the Scot telling it. Hai-larious~

(Speaking of Scottish jokes ... )

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:


Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.


The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:


Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.


This continues with the next patient:


Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"


"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Burns unit."

Tamburlain
08-02-2009, 01:22 PM
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Burns unit."

AH HAAA!!! Nice! :)

Sascha
08-02-2009, 02:54 PM
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires.

Why do elephants have big, flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Arkhemedes
08-02-2009, 10:40 PM
Oh, so we're getting back into the elephant jokes now, huh? Okay.

(btw I posted that one about a month back in the level up thread ~ sept it was told better.:p)

So as not to repeat the ones I told back then, which were really the best ones:

Q: How do you catch an elephant?
A: Lie in the grass and make the sound of a peanut, then when an elephant comes along grab him.

Q: What's gray on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: An elephant turned inside out.

Q: Why don't elephants lie on their backs in the water?
A: So they don't get mistaken for a bar of soap.

Q: What do you find between the toes of an elephant?
A: Slow running natives.

Okay, yeah, these suck. I'm tempted to repeat the really good ones.:rolleyes:

Ezequiel
08-02-2009, 11:09 PM
The most awful joke ever told:

A frog walks into a bank, and goes up to a young lady teller and introduces himself as David Jagger, and asks the young lady's name. The woman is a little taken aback by this, but she tells him her name is Patricia Whack. The frog is very friendly and congenial, and he shares a joke with her before he gets down to business.

"Well, Miss Whack, the reason I have come here today is that I wish to take out a $50,000 loan, in order to purchase a fishing boat."

"Well, Mister Jagger, that is a rather large sum of money. Do you happen to have any collateral?"

"As a matter of fact I do."

The frog then places a tiny pink elephant figurine on the counter in front of the teller. She looks oddly at the frog, but he has been a pleasant and decent sort so far, so she tells him that she will show his collateral to the manager and get back to him. The frog thanks her and she departs to find the manager.

When she does, she relates the strange tale to the manager. She then holds up the elephant figurine and points to it.

"And just what the heck is this thing, anyway?"

To which the manager replies...

"It's a nicknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone!"



(Somebody call the pun police... :sorry: )

Sascha
08-02-2009, 11:46 PM
A man is on trial in Alaska. The ADA looks him square in the eye and asks, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"


A judge is hearing a divorce case. "Mr. Johnson," he begins. "After careful consideration, I've decided to give your wife $800 a week alimony."
"That's very generous, Your Honor," says Mr. Johnson. "Believe me, I'll try to help out a little, myself."

Angelus_Nox
08-03-2009, 05:52 AM
So this seal walks into a club.

Arkhemedes
08-03-2009, 08:57 AM
And then there are my favorites, the dead baby jokes.

Warning: If you are easily bothered by disturbing images or have recently had something to eat - DON'T READ THIS.

Q: In a pile of babies, how do you tell the dead babies from the live babies?
A: Stick a pitchfork in each one and see if they wiggle.

Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
A: The live one at the bottom eating its way to the top.

Sascha
08-03-2009, 02:38 PM
A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the bartender gives her one.


A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here recently?"
The bartender replies, "I don't know. What's he look like?"


Two penguins sitting on an iceberg. One looks to the other and says, "You know, it kinda looks like you're wearing a tuxedo."
And the other penguin says, "What makes you think I'm not?"


A lawyer is out golfing and out of nowhere, a golf ball nails him in the head. When the ball's owner comes to retrieve it, the lawyer looks at him threateningly. "Your ball just hit me in the head! I'm going to sue you for $10,000!"
"Sorry," the man says, "but I yelled 'fore.'"
"I'll take it!"

Genesplicer
08-03-2009, 09:41 PM
A man walks into a bar, and says: "Ouch!"

traesin
08-04-2009, 03:21 AM
Three men walk into a bar the fourth one ducks.

a man walks into a bar and sees a sign behind the counter...
"Cheese sandwich $2"
"hand-job $5"
Man looks at the female bartender and asks "are you the one who gives the hand Jobs?"
she replies "yes"
Man says "well go wash your hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!"

Where do fish keep their money.....
In a riverbank!

how do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool.

Razmus
08-04-2009, 06:52 AM
Oh, so we're getting back into the elephant jokes now, huh? Okay.

I'm always willing to promote bad elephant jokes. My son nearly choked one night, laughing at the classic elephant jokes we were reading at bedtime.

What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
The grape is purple.

How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the giraffe in the fridge, close the door.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants!"

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the grapes!" (Jane is color blind.)

So, the lion calls a big meeting of all the animals of the jungle, and they all come... except the elephant. Why didn't the elephant come to the meeting?
He's still in the fridge.

Classic I tell you... classic!

korhal23
08-04-2009, 07:11 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

traesin
08-04-2009, 07:48 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."



:laugh:

For the record I am NOT like that....people are usually saying that to me as I fly though the mountains.

Arkhemedes
08-04-2009, 10:57 AM
I'm always willing to promote bad elephant jokes. My son nearly choked one night, laughing at the classic elephant jokes we were reading at bedtime.

What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
The grape is purple.

How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the giraffe in the fridge, close the door.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants!"

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the grapes!" (Jane is color blind.)

So, the lion calls a big meeting of all the animals of the jungle, and they all come... except the elephant. Why didn't the elephant come to the meeting?
He's still in the fridge.

Classic I tell you... classic!
Those are actually pretty good! I laughed at every one of them! I only wish I could have remembered them (lost my book of 101 elephant jokes a looong time ago.:()

Genesplicer
08-04-2009, 01:10 PM
A man walks into a cafe one morning carring a shotgun, and with a bull trailing on a leash. He walks up to the started man at the counter, and orders a cup of coffie. The counter man complies. After drinking the coffie, the man turns to the bull, and blows its head off with the shotgun, then walks out of the cafe.

The next morning, the same man walks into the pub with his shotgun and another bull, and once again orders a coffie. This time, however, the man behind the counter says:
"Whoe there! We still haven't finished cleaning up after the mess you left yesterday!" he crys indicating the blood smears still on the tile floor. "Just what do you think you're doing mister?"

The man replies: "I'm training for a managment possition. Come in in the morning, drink coffie, shoot the bull, leave mess for someone else to clean up, and disapear for the rest of the day."

traesin
08-05-2009, 04:25 AM
:pound:

Genesplicer
08-05-2009, 03:00 PM
how do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
Q: What do you call four blonds standing shoulder to shoulder in a row?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call four blonds ling next to each other on the ground?
A: An air-mattress.

Q: How do you get a light in a blond's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

traesin
08-06-2009, 04:55 AM
This blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde out in a Field in a row boat. She slams on her brakes and gets out of her car and stomps to the edge of the field fuming mad.
She screams at the other blonde, "It's blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name! If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass!"

Genesplicer
08-06-2009, 07:44 PM
Q: A dumb blond, a smart bland, and an elf are all out searching for the same treasure. Which one of them finds it?
A: The dumb bond. The other two are mythical creatures.

Q: How do you tell if a blond has been using your word processor?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: What do call a blond who dies her hair brunet?
A: Artificial Intelegence.

1958Fury
08-07-2009, 10:16 AM
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A: He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Can you make me one with everything?

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The fish.

Q: Why don't blondes tell jokes?
A: To get to the other side.

Harwel
08-07-2009, 04:52 PM
Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Can you make me one with everything?

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the cow?
A: Mu.

Genesplicer
08-07-2009, 05:52 PM
Q: What's black, blue, brown, and lies in a gutter.
A: A brunet who has told one too many blond jokes.

Q: Who made up all the blond jokes?
A: All the brunets left home on Friday night with nothing else to do.

Sascha
08-08-2009, 02:27 AM
What's the difference between a joist and a girder?
Joist wrote "Ulysses" and Girder wrote "Faust".

traesin
08-08-2009, 04:01 PM
Haaaaaa...That's as funny as a screen door on a polish sub-marine.

Razmus
08-09-2009, 09:51 AM
Don't forget the parachute that opens on impact.

kirksmithicus
08-09-2009, 06:05 PM
Why was 6 afraid? because 789.

How do you get the drummer in your band to leave your house? Pay him for the pizza.

korhal23
08-09-2009, 07:25 PM
Ah drummer jokes.

What do you call a drummer whose girlfriend breaks up with him?
Homeless.

Genesplicer
08-11-2009, 03:46 AM
Q: What do you call a woman who's missing one leg?
A: Ilean.

Q: How do you get a one armed Aggie out of a tree?
A: Wave.

XeroDrift
09-21-2009, 10:58 PM
A pirate walks into a bar
The bartender notices something strange and says
"Hey, Blackbeard, did you know you have a steering wheel hanging off of your d***?"
Blackbeard responds
"Argh! Its drivin me nuts!"

Arkhemedes
10-09-2009, 06:49 PM
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk says he doesn't serve blonds.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV - it's a microwave!"

XeroDrift
10-10-2009, 06:05 PM
About a man and his collection of monkeys

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for 5 cents apiece. I thought that odd since they were usually a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves of of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.

Sascha
10-10-2009, 06:30 PM
Randal Graves (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0026879/): Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.
Clerks, 1.3, "Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store"

kkriegg
10-10-2009, 10:13 PM
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, but they decide to cut costs by getting one room and sharing the bed. The next day the guy on the right side of the bed says, "Man, I had a dream I was getting a wild handjob!" The guy on the left is suprised, "Hey, I had that dream, too!" The middle guy looks a little disappointed, "All I dreamed about was skiing."

XeroDrift
10-10-2009, 10:27 PM
How to Shower like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed parts.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, and long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until its red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake your wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your many physique in the mirror. Admire your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your armpits.
6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
7. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
8. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.
9. Wash your butt, leaving hairs stuck on the soap.
10. Shampoo your hair.
11. Make shampoo Mohawk.
12. Pee.
13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
14. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
15. Admire wiener again.
16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
17. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
18. Attempt to support entire towel with possible erection.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Genesplicer
10-11-2009, 12:32 AM
Q: How many Romulans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to shoot him and take the credit.

There were these three crack-heads that always hung out together to get stoned. After a time, they determind that they only knew five differant jokes between them. Rather than waist time trying to tell them, they just gave them all numbers. That way, one of them could say: "joke #3," and they could all remeber the joke and laugh together. One day, while they were all hanging around stoned as usual, one of them decided to be funny, so he called out: "Joke #4!" All of them remebered the joke, and laughed for a bit. One of them however, kept laughing long after the others had stopped. One of the crack-heads turned to his buddy next to him and asked: "Why do you think he's still laughing?" The other crack-head thought for a moment, and then replied: "I guess it's the first time he's heard that one."

XeroDrift
10-11-2009, 05:54 PM
English Phrase - Chinese Translation

1. Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
2. See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
3. Stupid Man - Dum Gai
4. Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
5. Your price is too high! - No Bai Dam Ding!
6. Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
7. I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni
8. I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat
9. It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?
10. Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
11. That was an unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching
12. I thought you were on a diet. - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
13. This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

Sascha
10-19-2009, 10:47 PM
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb has to want to change first.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How long have you been having this fantasy?

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, a hundred to take pictures of it, and a thousand to follow it around until it burns out.

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

kkriegg
10-20-2009, 02:11 AM
Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.

The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

XeroDrift
10-21-2009, 05:22 PM
English Phrase - Chinese Translation (continued)

You know the lyrics to Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Pew! Does this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung?

Want to be a White House intern? - Wah Tong Mah Dong?

Genesplicer
10-26-2009, 07:11 PM
Q: Why did the Aggie bury his car?
A: Because the battery died.

XeroDrift
10-27-2009, 05:42 PM
Two cannibals are eating a clown
One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

Genesplicer
11-02-2009, 11:52 AM
Top 3 Aggie Inventions:
#3 - The Boomerang Hand Grenade.
#2 - Screen Doors for Submarines
#1 - The toilet seat, which was greatly improved when it occurred to someone from UT to put a hole in it.

Chi
03-04-2010, 02:35 PM
Ok stupid I know...
What is Barbie's least favorite food?


BarbiQ

HAHAHAHAHA

Ishcumbeebeeda
03-04-2010, 06:06 PM
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers.
Why do Irishmen wear kilts?
Scotsmen can hear zippers too.

Sascha
03-04-2010, 07:28 PM
My cousin is invisible. He married an invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at.

Dr.Dead
03-04-2010, 07:59 PM
I have no jokes in mind rite now but I have to give you guys Props because some of these joke are just to good.

LOL,ROFL,LMAO

Chi
03-04-2010, 11:15 PM
lol ok people are funnier than me!!! lol